Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention. I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea.
Daphne: Oh, it's not so bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
Frasier: Really? I had no- Really?

Bulldog: Hey, tell your brother I'm coming to his charity thing tonight. I just found the perfect costume.
Frasier: And as what literary character will you be attending?
Bulldog: Waldo! [Frasier looks at him blankly] From "Where's Waldo?" He's in, like, sixteen books! You call yourself well-read.

Niles: Your boorish behavior is simply appalling. I can no longer hold my tongue.
Frasier: Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you. You're drunk, Niles.
Niles: Drunk like a fox! I know about the baby.
Frasier: You do?
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: Who told you?
Niles: I heard it from Daphne's own lips.
Frasier: Daphne. That blabbermouth. I'll wring her neck.
Niles: Listen to yourself. Have you no conscience?
Frasier: Niles, you're getting awfully exercised about this.
Niles: We're talking about a single woman with a baby. What do you intend to do about it?
Frasier: Well, I suppose I could give her a raise.
Niles: That's your idea of responsibility? Give her a raise?
Frasier: Well, what do you want me to do, marry her? Let's look at something here, buddy, she's the one that got pregnant! [noticing Roz next to them] Hello, Roz.
Roz: Beat it, Niles!