Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Niles: Well, when I brought you a beer in your room the other day I couldn't help but notice you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick and an autographed one from someone named Ken Griffey Jr. But none of Maris and me. So I brought you this.
Martin: Oh, gee, thanks. What's Maris doing wearing jodhpurs? She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she?
Niles: No, no. She wanted to, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

Niles: Wait a minute. We're not talking about Miss Warner?
Martin: Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons too?
Niles: No, you'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs I was actually studying music.

Clarice: You're here because of that book, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes and I'd like to apologize right off. Er, I told that story to Mr. Fallow in confidence. It was never meant to be in print.
Clarice: There's no need to apologize. That was a lovely time in my life. It was nice to relive it. So, are you married?
Frasier: Divorced. You?
Clarice: I never married.
Frasier: I came here to apologize about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you. It was selfish and cowardly.
Clarice: Oh, Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons. Do you still keep it up?
Frasier: ... Oh, the piano? Yes!