Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Roz: And here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. And most important, here's an extra-long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break.
Niles: Thank you, but those won't be necessary. I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control.
Roz: It's true. All the good ones are married.

Roz: You're on in ten seconds and your first caller is Marcia.
Niles: Marcia. "Hello, Marcia, I'm listening." That is so trite. "Hello, Marcia, tell me where it hurts." No, no. "Hello, Marcia, I hear you." No.
[Roz points at Niles. He doesn't understand and points back. She points again. Niles gives her a thumbs up.]
Roz: [speaking through her mike] Good afternoon, Seattle!
Niles: Oh, yes! [on air] Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today.

Niles: Well, look. This is from Marta, our maid. It's a poultice you wear around your neck. The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala.
Frasier: I can see why her village is remote.
Niles: Well, yes, it is pungent. But, by inhaling these herbs, many of the villagers live to be well over a hundred. Marta herself is seventy-eight, and you should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings her little bell.