Charlotte: Well, don't worry, Frasier. Somewhere in Seattle there's a woman you haven't pissed off, and I'm gonna find her.
Frasier: You seem awfully sure of yourself.
Charlotte: I am. I've successfully matched hundreds of couples. So... what kind of woman are you looking for? And don't just say smart, sexy, and sophisticated.
Frasier: Why, don't you have any of those?

Frasier: All right. Well, it's hard to say what I want. It's been so long since I've really fallen for someone. You know that feeling you get after a first date, when you can't even sleep? You just lie there in bed awake, thinking about her. That's what I want.
Charlotte: You're going to make me work for my money, aren't you? Uh, by the way, I do require a payment up-front.
Frasier: Oh, of course.
Charlotte: My fee's $10,000.
Frasier: ... That's awfully steep.
Charlotte: And those ten years of bad dates, how much did they run you?
Frasier: ... I'll write you a check.

Frasier: So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Roz: Hmm. You fudged a little bit on your answers, right?
Frasier: No, of course not. Why would I?
Roz: Because nobody's honest on those things. There's a code people use. Like "mature" means old, "athletic" means flat-chested, and, uh... oh, "not model thin" means circus fat.

Roz: So where you taking her?
Frasier: Claret. I intend to take all subsequent dates there as well. That way I can compare them objectively, you see. As the woman will be the only variable. It's basic science.
Roz: Yeah, that's been your dating problem. Not enough science.

Frasier: Yes, well, I have a date. I've signed up with a matchmaking service.
Niles: Wait, Frasier, a matchmaker? I'm surprised you'd use a professional for something as personal as your love life.
Frasier: Well, I could say the same thing about you and your doula.
Niles: Well, our professional comes highly recommended.
Frasier: So does mine.
Niles: Well, our professional is at the top of her field.
Frasier: As is mine.
Niles: Well, our professional charges $200 an hour.
Frasier: Mine charges $10,000!
Niles: She sounds fantastic! Congratulations, Frasier.

Harvest: A resume detailing my 15 years of experience, plus a syllabus for further reading.
Niles: Well, I am "doula impressed."
Harvest: Now, on page five you'll find details about my support staff. There's a masseuse, a shaman, of course, and a drummer. He used to tour with the Doobie Brothers. Very talented.
Niles: My, sounds expensive. I can't wait to tell Frasier.

Harvest: And of course I insist on a drug-free birthing environment-
Roz: Whoa, back up. No drugs?
Harvest: Oh, I want Daphne to be awake and connected to the moment. A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
Roz: It needn't be, but it be.
Daphne: How painful?
Roz: Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocaine?
Daphne: No.
Roz: Well, a tooth is this big.

Harvest: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to be emotionally present for the birth of your baby. But I see that you just want somebody to dope you up, strap you down, and yank it out.
Niles: Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Don't go.
Daphne: Yes, our friend was just leaving.
Roz: All right. You're right, I'm sorry. This is a private matter. You need to do what's right for you.
[Roz pulls a hair from Daphne's head]
Daphne: Ow!
Roz: Times a million.

Frasier: Would you like some wine?
Teen Date: Nah, the cops took my fake I.D., and my dad'll kill me if I get busted again. So, what are you, like fifty?
Frasier: ... Something like that.

Martin: Geez, Niles, don't you think you're taking this sympathetic pregnancy thing too far?
Niles: I'm simply giving in to the primal cycle of... life. I have no control over it.
Frasier: In that case, get off my Chanel couch before your water breaks.