Niles: Frasier, have you given much thought about what you're going to tell Frederick?
Frasier: Oh, God. How can I possibly explain it to him? Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive. He's going to hear about it sooner or later, I guess it should be from me. After all, I am a trained professional, I can do it in a way that won't traumatize the child. [loudly, as Freddie reaches for the paper] Freddie, don't touch that!

Frasier: It's very hard for me to tell you this, but I just spent the night in jail.
Freddie: Wow. Like Brad Johnson's dad.
Frasier: Well, that was different. Insider trading is wrong.
Freddie: What did you do?
Frasier: Well, I saw a woman standing in the rain and I gave her a ride.
Freddie: You can go to jail for that?
Frasier: Well, it depends on the sort of woman. You see, this particular woman. This uh, person was a prostitute. But I didn't know that until it was too late.
Freddie: A prostitute?
Frasier: Oh God, how can I explain this? A prostitute is someone who engages in sexual relations with other people for money.
Freddie: Dad, I'm eleven. I know what a prostitute is.

Roz: So when's Freddie coming in?
Frasier: Oh, actually, he's arriving in a few hours. I'm picking him up at the airport. Gosh, you know, I'm so excited to see him. It was Lilith's turn to have him for his birthday this year, but apparently there was an accident at the lab. One of her monkeys bit her on the tongue.
Roz: What exactly was she doing with the monkey?
Frasier: She was teaching them sign language. I guess one of them made a disparaging remark about her new haircut, she stuck her tongue out.
Roz: Wow. How bad does the haircut have to be for a monkey to hate it?

Frasier: Oh, somebody dropped a wallet.
Roz: Hmm. Is he cute?
Frasier: It's hard to tell from a driver's license photo, but he is five foot six, weighs two hundred pounds and has corrective lenses.
Roz: Leave it on the floor.
Frasier: Well, thank God I don't share your "Good deeds for hunks only" policy.

Bulldog: Hey, we're outta here.
Woman: But our flight doesn't leave for another two hours.
Bulldog: No, I gotta stop by my mom's first. I owe her fifty bucks and a case of Schlitz.

Daphne: I must say, I feel a bit bad for Freddie. None of his mates are going to be here, just us three old fogies yelling "Surprise".
Martin: Well, any party he's at with you is gonna be a treat for him. You know, he's got that little crush on you.
Niles: If you really want Frederick to enjoy himself, he especially likes you in that little blue cocktail dress.
Daphne: I'm not sure that dress is appropriate for a child's birthday party.
Niles: Well, it's hardly a party, it's just us fogies.

Frasier: Roz, do you mind?
Roz: What is your problem? I'm getting ready for bed. Alice gets me up at the crack of dawn. If I get all this taken care of, I get an extra half hour's sleep.
Frasier: Well, at least you spared me the spectacle of flossing.
Roz: Thanks for reminding me. I had corn.

Frasier: Hello officer, just how fast was I going?
Police Officer: Hey, don't I know you?
Frasier: No, I don't believe so.
Police Officer: No, I'm not talking to you. Didn't I bust you last week?
Crystal: [in a much manlier voice] Give me a break, buddy. I'm trying to earn a living here.

Frasier: Was it really necessary to take my belt and tie?
Police Officer: Standard procedure. It's for your own protection.
Frasier: For God's sake! You had me in the drunk tank. If I wanted to kill myself I would've taken a deep breath.

Niles: So, what happened? A prostitute?
Frasier: Please, I told you on the phone. I didn't know she was a prostitute.
Niles: Uh-huh.
Frasier: I saw a woman stranded in the rain. Naturally, I offered her a ride. Before I knew it, I was handcuffed to this bench surrounded by this motley assortment of... [turning the guy next to him] other wrongfully accused gentlemen.