Frasier: Welcome back to the night owl edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane show. We have Stephen on line two. Go ahead, caller, you're on the air.
Stephen: "I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane. People are talking to me through my radio."
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: "There it is again."
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: "Now it's giving me orders."
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: "And it knows my name."
Frasier: Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I'm a very smart radio, and I care about you. And I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counseling in the morning.
Stephen: "Okay. Sorry, Doc, can't talk anymore."

Frasier: Well, I'd like to end tonight on a philosophical note. You see, earlier today, I helped some people. I returned a man's wallet and I aided a woman at the airport. And in return, I was accused of being a thief, and my favorite jacket was ruined. I was so disappointed by the events of the day that, on my way to work here tonight, I almost passed by an elderly man with a flat tire without stopping to help him.
[Frasier notices Roz doing her nighttime beauty regime in her booth]
Frasier: What the hell are you doing? ... I asked myself. How would I feel if I were in this man's position, and no one stopped to help me? Well, I did pull over, I helped the man, and frankly it felt great. So without sounding preachy, I would like to advise you all to do a good deed once in a while. If not for the sake of others, but then for your own sake. Now, let's go to station ID.

Frasier: And we're back. It seems we've got time for one more call... Don't bother Roz, I'll get it. Go ahead, caller, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening.
Ralph: "Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Ralph. The guy whose tire you changed tonight?"
Frasier: Ralph. Well, what a wonderful surprise. Let me first say to our listeners that this call was not solicited in any way.
Ralph: "Dr. Crane, I was just wondering, do you wear cuff links?"
Frasier: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do. But there's no need to buy me a gift.
Ralph: "A gift? You scratched the hell out of my paint job with those things. You owe me money"
Frasier: You can't be serious! How much damage can cuff links do to a car whose side window consists of duct tape and a Hefty Bag?
Ralph: "Ah, you'll find out when my lawyer sends you the bill."
Roz: Let me remind you again, listeners, that call was not solicited.

Crystal: Ooh, seat warmers.
Frasier: Yes, they're standard. There's a little control on the side if you want more leg room. So, where can I take you?
Crystal: It's up to you. We can get a room, or we can do it here, in the car.
Frasier: Oh, dear God. You're a prostitute.
Crystal: How far do these go back?
Frasier: Look, I'm sorry, there's been a mistake.
Crystal: Oh, don't be nervous, baby.
Frasier: I am not nervous and would you please put your seat up.
Crystal: I'll put it any way you want me to, honey.
Frasier: Stop talking to me that way. For God's sake! All right, please, I am sorry about the misunderstanding but get out of my car.
Crystal: Well, why the hell did you pick me up?
Frasier: I was trying to be a gentleman. Now get out.
Crystal: I'm not walking all the way back to my corner, give me some money for a cab.
Frasier: All right, fine. Oh lord, I guess I must have left my wallet back at the station.
Crystal: Well, how in the hell were you going to pay for me?
Frasier: I wasn't going to pay for you! Oh, good lord. Oh, here's a twenty dollar bill, now get out.

Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: You certainly took your sweet time. I've been waiting here two hours.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I guess what with the pillow fight in the holding tank and the pre-mug shot makeover, time just got away from me. Will you stop it?

Frasier: Just bail me out of here, I can't stand another minute in this place.
Niles: All right. [to the desk sergeant] Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.
Fred: It's five hundred bucks.
Niles: Five hun... Frasier, I don't have that kind of cash on me.
Frasier: Put it on your credit card.
Niles: And have "Bail" appear on my statement? Do you know the kind of junk mail I would get?

Fred: Sir, your card didn't go through.
Niles: What? Oh, that's right. Maris's lawyers had my credit limit reduced.
Frasier: Oh, no.
Niles: It's been so bad, this week when I went to the cheese shop for their "Around the World" platter, they cut me off at Luxembourg.

Frasier: Dad, I'm so sorry. What happened was-
Martin: No, I don't need to know. I didn't come down here to judge. You're my son, and I love you.
Frasier: Yes, for God's sake, Dad, I didn't...
Martin: Why don't we just pay up and get out of here, OK?
Fred: Hey, Marty.
Martin: Hey, Fred.
Fred: Listen, I wouldn't take this too hard, Marty. You remember Captain Pachesky's son turned out to be the Coleman Park Pervert.
Martin: Yeah, thanks.
Fred: And Sergeant O'Brian's daughter does all them cable movies.
Martin: Yeah, I heard.
Fred: You can pick her out, she's got his chin.
Martin: Yeah, could we just get on with it here?

Frasier: Dad, would you let me explain?
Martin: Frasier, look, I understand, I was in the army. We all have our urges.
Frasier: Yes, but you don't...
Fred: Just sign here.
Frasier: All that happened was...
[A cop leads Crystal, sans wig, across the room]
Crystal: Bye, Dr. Crane, sorry I got you arrested.
Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Crystal, these things happen.
Frasier: He had a wig on!
Martin: You're my son and I love you.
Frasier: Oh, will you stop saying that?!

Frasier: Oh, I guess I deserve all this. I certainly had enough warning to stop being such a Boy Scout, but did I listen? No. Well, from now on, Dr. Crane — or as Seattle now knows him, "Dr. Strangelove" - is out of the Samaritan business.