Niles: You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
Frasier: Oh, like you're not.
Niles: Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
[Frasier shoots Niles a look. Niles is offended]
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. Actually, I think Maris is rather attractive- in a minimalist sort of way.

Daphne: Actually, Leo, as long as you're here, we're having a problem with a leaky faucet in the sink.
Leo: And where would that be?
Daphne: In the kitchen, dear.
Leo: Hey, that wasn't a dumb question. You got bathrooms too, dontcha?
Daphne: None that you'll be going anywhere near.

Roz: Hey, Fras! How was your weekend?
Frasier: Hellish.
Roz: Great! Let me tell you what happened to me. See, I had this most incredible date Saturday night. It was really hot. So Sunday, I'm driving home-
Frasier: Sunday?
Roz: I told you, it was hot. So anyway, my car breaks down right in front of this church, and all the people are just coming out after the show.
Frasier: Service.
Roz: What?
Frasier: Churches don't have shows, they have services.
Roz: Can I finish my story?
Frasier: All right, all right.
Roz: Thank you. So, I walk up to the minister - Is that all right?
Frasier: Mm-hmm.
Roz: And I ask him if I can use his phone. And he tells me my sweater's on inside out. One thing led to another, and we have a date tonight. Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a challenge.
Frasier: You know, Roz, maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into the show yourself.

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Now, before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. Last Saturday, my father's chair was taken from in front of the Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out from underneath a strip of duct tape. As incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return.

Frasier: Ooh, "Ten Little Indians." I thought I recognized the mise en scene. I did this play years ago. "On the contrary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac, ah-ha-ha." Happens to be true, by the way.

Frasier: Listen, Mrs. Warren, I realize you are in an untenable position here, but I am speaking to you now from the heart. You see, by putting this chair into the trash, I have wounded my father. I realize it's just a chair to you, but to him it is a treasure trove of life memories that I have thoughtlessly discarded because I didn't like the way it looked in my living room. I have sacrificed heart and soul for form and function. Believe me, I am terribly ashamed of myself for that. This chair is the last, best chance to forge any kind of meaningful relationship
with the only father I'll ever have!
Mrs. Warren: [to the children] People, were you all listening to that? Because you can learn a lot from this man. That speech he just gave is a perfect example of the kind of hammy overacting I don't want to see out of any of you for this entire run!
Frasier: Now, just hold on for a minute!

Frasier: Oh, well, what else can you do? You'll have to cancel the performance. Too bad. I'll just take this along with me.
Mrs. Warren: I can't cancel, I have three hundred parents in their cars already.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure somehow the American theatre will survive. You can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong, he's too important to the plot. I know, that's the part I played.
Mrs. Warren: You played Dr. Armstrong?
Frasier: Well, yes I- Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you're not thinking-
Mrs. Warren: How badly do you want your chair?
Frasier: I-I'm sorry, it's out of the question.
Mrs. Warren: You know, it would be a real shame if something- [She pulls on a strip of duct tape] ooh - happened to this chair.
Frasier: But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines.
Mrs. Warren: Then you'll fit right in!

Frasier: To start off the second hour, I would like to depart from my usual format because I recently read a book that... Well, it truly just knocked my mental socks off. It's called"The Menopausal Male," and its author, the distinguished psychiatric scholar Dr. Helmut Bruga, has graciously agreed to join us today from his offices at the University of Washington. Dr. Bruga, guten tag. I've been an admirer of yours for a long time.
Dr. Bruga: "Thank you. I enjoy your show as well."
Frasier: Really?
Dr. Bruga: "Yes. Though I do not in most cases agree with your analysis."
Frasier: Back to your book. Now, we're all very familiar with the changes in the female menopause, but your research indicates-
Dr. Bruga: "Excuse me, Dr. Crane. May I say hello to Roz?"
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Dr. Bruga: "Hello, Roz."
Roz: Hello, Dr. Bruga.
Frasier: Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative is re-awakened in later life, when the man is-
Dr. Bruga: "You have a very sensuous voice."
Frasier: ... Thank you.
Dr. Bruga: "Not you, Roz."
Frasier: Yes well, back to male menopause.
Dr. Bruga: "Would you perhaps like to go to a movie or something, maybe grab a bite?"
Roz: Well, that would be very- [Frasier holds up Dr. Burga's book so Roz can see his picture on the cover] No. No, thank you very much.
Frasier: Well, our time has just flown by. Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga, and for so vividly proving your point.
Dr. Bruga: "You will give Roz my number?"
Frasier: Oh, I think Roz has your number!

Niles: Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a Mies van der Rohe and the playful insouciance of an early Le Corbusier.

Daphne: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. I hope I haven't come at a bad time.
Daphne: Well, your brother isn't home from work yet, and your father's out walking Eddie.
Niles: Oh, darn the luck.