Frasier: Eddie? What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Niles: Originally, Dad needed it to bridge the transition from his old apartment to life here with you. But as with all transitional objects - be they a teddy bear, be they a thumb, be they a blankie, be they a chair-
Frasier: Stop saying "Be they!"

Frasier: Oh Dad, I don't know why you're carrying on this way. We are, after all, talking about a twenty-five year-old, broken-down chair. If you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair you want.
Martin: Really? Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. You know, I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed. Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Frasier: Ever since you got here all I've tried to do is make you comfortable. I don't even know why I bothered.
I mean, everybody knows Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin, he prefers duct tape! [Adds a strip of Martin's duct tape to the chair] And food crumbs! [throws bowl of nuts on the chair] There we are! [takes Martin's beer] And let's have a little dribble of beer while we're at it! [pours can over chair] Why not? There, that's delightful! Oh, and let's not forget, to top it all off, just the slightest bit of dog hair!

Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed someplace to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down me blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Daphne: Oh, my. Emeralds. Your practice must be doing awfully well. Who'd have thought the mentally disturbed had this much money?

Frasier: Oh, dear God. Can you imagine anyone would have something like that in their living room?
Niles: It looks like someone upholstered it in golf pants.

[Martin sits in his new chair. Frasier turns it on]
Martin: That's disgusting!

Niles: Would you like to try it on?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. If you don't think Mrs. Crane would mind.
Niles: Oh, certainly not. Maris is the soul of generosity. Just last week she donated all her old cocktail dresses to a homeless shelter.

Martin: Well, Niles. What brings you by?
Niles: Uh, Maris's birthday. I'm hiding her gift here.
Martin: Oh, it's getting that time again, huh? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
Frasier: As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.