[Seeing Eddie wearing a Christmas costume]
Niles: Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing old lady things.
Martin: It's for Frederick!
Niles: Oh, of course it is.

Martin: Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great. The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek. Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes. [From Frasier's expression] Yeah, a little like that.
Frasier: Listen, Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. He's precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Martin: Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. One day out of the year, indulge him. Let him be a kid.

Frasier: You know, my son comes in in half an hour and I've absolutely nothing for him.
Niles: [checking watch] He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tailwind.

Niles: So? When does Frederick arrive?
Frasier: In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least bit excited.
Niles: Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at daddy's. I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his head.
Frasier: No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets. He's probably got visions of bran.

Bob: "Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane."
Frasier: Now, Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground.
Bob: "No, no. That's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc."
Frasier: Well, why are you hesitant to go home?
Bob: "Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. 'Boy, that's quite a bird.' 'Twenty-four pounder.' 'What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?'"
Frasier: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day."
Roz: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Frasier: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat.
Frasier: But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home.
Bob: "Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I got a plane to catch."
Frasier: Mele Keleke Maka, Bob.

Martin: So what did you get Freddie?
Frasier: Well actually, Dad, I ordered him the toy catalog, from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted." I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology lab, oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living Brain." You get to paint each lobe a different color, then you stuff it inside the Living Skull.

Frasier: Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.

Niles: Ooh, here's something. Look at this, look at this.
Frasier: Oh, God.
Niles: It's called "Ecto Goo."
Frasier: Oh, well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what could he possibly learn from that?
Niles: Well, for starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier, Frasier. Look, look, look, there it is. It's up on the shelf. It's up on the shelf.
Frasier: Oh, marvelous. [climbs up to get it]
Niles: Oh, Lord. It's covered with dust.
Frasier: Ah. The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor?

Martin: Hey, a robe. Great, I love it.
Frasier: No, you don't. It's not a robe. It's a dressing gown. Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Martin: Hey, I love Noel Coward.
Frasier: Dad, you're overcompensating.