Frasier: Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
Rachel: "Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr. Crane. Um, I'm involved in sort of a strange love triangle."
Frasier: [off-air, to Roz] Oh goody, this is sweeps week!
Rachel: "You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom."
Frasier: That is a definite yikes.
Rachel: "See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!"
Frasier: All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel: "Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. [sound of crockery breaking] Oops."
Frasier: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: "Oh, oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr. Crane. I've got some vacuuming to do."
Frasier: Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour.

Niles: I know you'd like to believe we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were. Sitting on mother's davenport in our tweeds and tans, listening to the Texaco symphonic hour. The cold-hearted reality is, you're middle-aged.
Frasier: Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like fifty, fifty-five.
Niles: Only if you live to be one hundred and ten.

Frasier: I know this piece backwards and forwards.
Niles: Perhaps if you start at the end you'll have better luck.

Frasier: Listen, Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question here. When you look at me, um, do you see me as a young man, or as an older man?
Daphne: Oh, no. No, you don't. You're not getting me into that Vietnam. I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never answer honestly. "How old do I look?" "Do you like my hair?" and "Was it good for you, too?" [to Niles] Coming, Dr. Crane? ... Dr. Crane?
Niles: I'm sorry, I was someplace else. [to Frasier] It was a warm and friendly place.

Frasier: Hey, did you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier?
Martin: Sure I noticed her. I'm not dead.
Frasier: Well, you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and uh, I could swear she was flirting with me.
Martin: [looking at Carrie] Trust me, son, she's on commission.

Frasier: Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same conversation about me.
Niles: Stanley Barrister is a sixty-year-old man who wears a toupee that looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain. You are forty-one, and obviously not wearing a toupee.

Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Roz: Oh, forget about it. I already have.
Frasier: Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for.
Roz: Don't make yourself crazy over it. It's completely normal. Oh, by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment.
Frasier: I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that.
Roz: That's 'cause you didn't, I was just gas-lighting you.

Roz: So aren't you gonna say it, or are you going to make me wait 'til the end of the day?
Frasier: Say what?
Roz: Happy birthday.
Frasier: It is not your birthday. Oh, God. Oh God, it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry. Let me take you out to lunch after work, okay?
Roz: You are so easy!

Niles: Dad, would you ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes? I'll have you know I had to wait six months
to have these shipped for a little blind cobbler in Seville.

Frasier: Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit?
Niles: Would it really stop you if we said "Yes?"
Frasier: Point well taken.