Martin: At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons being born. In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and reading "Life" magazine. I can still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born. It was about Mickey Mantle. Talk about life setting you up for a fall!

Frasier: You seem awfully reflective, is there something on your mind?
Niles: Actually, yes. For the past several months I've noticed my thoughts often drifting to the same subject: will I ever be a father?
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: There are pros and cons, of course, but watching that child's birth tonight I realized it's something I really want, I think.
Frasier: Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings at your age.
Niles: Uh, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it.
Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris?
Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.

Niles: I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.
Frasier: Well, Niles, no-one's ever really sure. You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week as though it were a baby.
Niles: You're kidding?
Frasier: No, no, no. They hold it, they care for it, they never let it out of their sight. It gives them a very good idea of the constant responsibility of being a parent.
Niles: Hmm. That's very clever. What could be better than hands-on experience? Might be worth a try.
Frasier: Well, I wasn't actually suggesting.
Niles: Well, why not? It's the perfect week: Maris is away, I'm desperate to resolve the issue; Frasier, where do you keep the flour?
[Niles begins walking around the living room]
Frasier: In the kitchen.
Niles: In the kitchen.

Maggie: "It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane. It's just that he's got so attached to me. Roses every day for a week after two dates!"
Frasier: Maggie, the first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her head] A frank and honest discussion. Tell him that, though, he wants to go at one speed you need to go at another. [Frasier sees Roz shaking her head again] Tell him you're not rejecting him and that you're fond of him, but if he doesn't give you some breathing room- You know, suddenly, I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer thinks you should do?
Roz: Well, I just think that any guy that's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem. I say dump him now, head to the hills and don't look back.
Maggie: "It's so good to hear that, Roz. That's what I wanted to do but I felt so guilty. Thanks so much, bye."
Frasier: And that takes us to commercial. This, for those of you that may have forgotten, is the "Dr. Frasier Crane Show!"

Niles: I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school. And all I remember is a bright light, lots of blood and
then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Arlene: You fainted?
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Daphne: I bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything else in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle."

Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: What?
Frasier: Eddie.
Daphne: [Australian accent] That dingo's got your baby!

Martin: For God's sake, Niles, calm down. I think it's time you realized something. That is not a person, it's a bag of flour. There's an easy trick to tell the difference: people don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs.

Roz: You signed his get-well card.
Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh, my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death."
Roz: How could you think it was his birthday?
Frasier: I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognize the traditional card for a man in an advanced stage of kidney failure: a giant pink bunny rabbit.

Roz: Here's your new parking pass. I confirmed your dinner reservations for three; at your father's request you'll
be dining at "Chez Shrimp."
Frasier: Oh!
Roz: There are two letters that you've got to sign: a card for Clarence the guard that we're all signing, and a letter for the sign-ups for the KACL bowling team. I'll just file this right in the trash.