Niles: Yes! Here it is. "Extra-refined." It's taking after his old man all ready!
Frasier: No, Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour. "Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an airtight container." It seems this one's taking after its mother.

Niles: This traffic is murder. I'd suggest we walk home but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker?
Frasier: Yes, Niles. That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals.

Niles: You know Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself that I'm ready for something when I know in my heart, I'm not.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Niles: I want to have a baby, but I just don't want it enough. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
Frasier: Why do you say that?
Niles: Oh, because it's so selfish. I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy.
Frasier: Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons. I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready. Anyway, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean things can't change a few years down the line.
Niles: Perhaps you're right. Of course, Maris and I will be over forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: Oh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Niles: Oh, the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he is. I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail.

Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute it's just this blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob ... [clicks his fingers] ... person!
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

Arlene: What, are you a doctor too?
Martin: No, I'm a retired cop.
Arlene: Well, what took you so long?
Martin: Everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier's going to hold your hand and help you with your breathing. And Niles is going to look out for an ambulance and I'm going to get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world. Okay?
Arlene: Okay.

Frasier: Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now. Hear wild applause as a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles!
Roz: What are you grousing about?
Frasier: Oh nothing, nothing. [Frasier opens the card. Music starts to play] Yes, the pageantry never stops.

Martin: What are you doing with that thing?
Niles: I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
Martin: Well, that's a relief. I was afraid it might be something stupid!

Frasier: Niles, what has happened to your child?
Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

Arlene: My water just broke! I'm sitting here in a puddle of water.
Niles: [Niles pulls his feet up] Calfskin, calfskin!
Frasier: Niles!