Frasier: Oh, don't you remember? That was about the time when... Mrs. Lasskopf disappeared.
Niles: Oh my God, you're right. And... And you know, they used to fight all the time.
Frasier: Yes, and then suddenly she stopped coming around.
Niles: Well, I always thought that was because they split up.
Frasier: Did they? Or did he split her up? Cutting off her head and hands, so that the body couldn't be identified by dental records or fingerprints.

Niles: Oh, did Dad tell you? Our old house is on the market.
Frasier: No, but it doesn't surprise me. That whole area's undergoing what they call a "revitalization." Of course, they'll probably just tear it down and put up a Bennetton, or Bath & Body Works, or Sunglass Hut.
Niles: Actually, I sort of like Bath & Body Works.
Frasier: I do, too.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. Do you remember? Here's the window we used to sneak out of after curfew.
Martin: Really, you did? I never knew that.
Frasier: Sure, Dad, we, uh, we used to go out and, uh, chase the girls, and, uh, get a drink or two.
Martin: Well. [to Lasskopf] Boys will be boys.

Niles: We didn't chase girls. We went out to foreign films.
Frasier: You think Dad wants to hear that? Throw the guy a bone.

Frasier: Take a look at this financial statement.
Niles: It appears the Lasskopfs had quite a windfall.
Frasier: Yes, and it was just before the time they asked us to leave.
Niles: I see. I see. So, he killed her, collected the insurance money, and then evicted us, so he'd have a safe place to dispose of the body.
Frasier: Bravo, Niles. But no! Insurance is messy. They always require a body and a death certificate before they'll pay off. And messier still, he would have had to kill her, conceal the body, get rid of us, and then bring the body back here.
Niles: Well, if that's not insurance, then...? Inheritance.
Frasier: Exactly. Her parents die, and leave everything to her. Which means that now the Lasskopfs want for nothing, but she's the provider.
Niles: And never misses an opportunity to remind him of it. He's emasculated!
Frasier: Desperately. And so, he hatches a plan. "Darling, why don't we evict the Cranes? We don't need their rent money anymore."
Niles: [old lady voice] "No, thanks to my family's frugal nature and untimely death."
Frasier: And so, out go the Cranes, and the house is empty. "Darling, why don't we go see in what condition the Cranes have left the house, hmm?"
Niles: [old lady voice] "You go, you lazy parasite, I'm having my nails done!" ... I mean, "Okay".

Frasier: We have a victim, we have a motive, and we have evidence for both.
Niles: If only we had a murder weapon to tie it all together.
Frasier: Niles, don't you remember? As in many a Crane Boys case, the absence of a weapon does not mean the absence of a crime. Perhaps he pushed her down the stairs, as in "The Case of the Unhappy Landing!"
Niles: I always thought the title gave it away.
Frasier: Mmm. Well, then we can rename it once we have them published.
Niles: Do you think that would ever happen?
Frasier: Are you kidding? Once this hits the papers?

Mr. Lasskopf: Look, I came here to sell this place, not have it torn apart. Now are you serious buyers, or are we wasting our time here?
Niles: Well, allowing us to reclaim a small part of our past is hardly a waste of time.
Mr. Lasskopf: Well, it sounds like a load of tomfoolery to me. Let's go.
Frasier: Mr. Lasskopf, I assure you, my brother and I give tomfoolery no quarter. We never have!
Mr. Lasskopf: Oh, no? What do you call sneaking out to drink and chase girls?
Niles: No, no, no. That wasn't true. We went out to see foreign films.
Martin: I knew it.

Frasier: And look here, Niles. The temporal bone has been fractured... as if struck by a blunt object.
Niles: So perhaps the poor fellow met his end in some-some sort of violent accident.
Frasier: Violent, yes. But an accident?
Niles: Murder!
Frasier: Murder most foul.

Niles: I had this crazy thought, Frasier. What if we bought the house?
Frasier: You mean as a rental property?
Niles: Perhaps, or as a guest maisonette for our out-of-town visitors?
Frasier: Daphne's mother, perhaps?
Niles: Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
Daphne: That's a good idea. Buy her a house and she'll never leave.

Frasier: [speaking quickly] Yes, may I get a double latte, please? One shot of decaf espresso, one shot of regular espresso, streamed low-fat milk and some non-fat foam?
James: Sure.
[Frasier returns to his coffee table]
Niles: Well?
Frasier: He didn't even blink an eye. The man's unflappable.