Niles: Oh, poor Dad. I know how much he enjoyed going out with her.
Frasier: Yes. Just the other day he was saying that between her police badge and his handicapped sticker they could park anywhere.

Maureen: Oh, I should have known that you'd hate Indian food.
Martin: No, it was great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Maureen: Yeah, it does. You should try it again sometime.
Martin: [retching slightly] I think I just did.

Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Hi.
Frasier: How was your date?
Martin: Awful! I never felt this bad in my life. I feel like my guts have been ripped out.
Frasier: Dad, let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
Martin: Oh, the hell it doesn't. This never would have happened twenty years ago.

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry.
Martin: She doesn't want to see me again?
Frasier: Oh, I feel so terrible. Listen, Dad, I mean, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. But believe me, the pain will pass. It may take some time.
Martin: This is great.
Frasier: Or not.

Maureen: There's something that I've been meaning to say to you and I keep putting it off and that's not fair to you.
Martin: What is it?
Maureen: I don't think it's working out.
Martin: You don't? Wow. I didn't see that coming.

Frasier: You old fraud!
Martin: What?
Frasier: You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Martin: Well, of course I did. When a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier: Oh. Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Martin: Oh, spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have made it to Harvard but I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier: Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship.

Frasier: Well, this year I thought what the hell? Get him something he really wants rather than what I think he needs.
Niles: A very commendable sentiment.
Daphne: What did you get him?
Niles: An Armani tux. ... Well, my banquet's coming up.

Martin: Come in and meet the family.
Sherry: Hi. Sherry Dempsey. Oh, now Marty didn't tell me the two of you were so handsome!
Daphne: Hello. Daphne Moon.
Sherry: Ooh. The physical therapist. Oh, don't worry about me, honey. I'm not the jealous type. Anybody that keeps my Marty limber is aces in my book.

Martin: Well, what do you think?
Frasier: Uh... Wow.
Martin: Niles?
Niles: Uh... I see that wow and raise you a zowie.
Martin: I'm so glad you like her. You really do, right?
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Niles: Absolutely.
Martin: That's great! Well, you know we're going to have to spend more time here. You know, she's got that fourth floor walk-up and its murder on my hip. Not that I wouldn't climb the Space Needle to hear her play that banjo of hers.
[Frasier and Niles return to their "Cold Duck" and take a swig]

Niles: Oh, dear God. Don't turn around.
Frasier: Who is it?
Niles: It's Dad, and he's brought Sophie Tucker!