Robert: Hello. You guys have any Maalox or something?
Debra: What's the matter? Did you eat something bad?
Robert: I'm a cop and I live with my parents. I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.

Debra: What are you doing with a dog, Ray?
Ray: He followed me home. You wanna play with him? Go ahead.
Debra: Play with him? Ray, I can't even find one of my own children. Geoffrey.
Ray: That's because they're walking now. I told you all that crawling would lead to no good.

Ray: So what do you think? What should we name him?
Debra: Are you kidding me Ray? We can't keep him. Besides he belongs to somebody.
Ray: No. There's no tag no collar. He could've been born in the wild.
Debra: Yeah, those herds of wild bulldogs.
Ray: I thought you liked dogs.
Debra: Ray come on. I love dogs but in case you haven't noticed, the last thing that we need around here
is something else that eats and poops.
Ray: All right, I'll stop doing one of those.

Robert: Know who he reminds me of? Shamsky.
Ray: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shamsky.
Robert: He was a hell of a pooch wasn't he? He used to follow me everywhere. And one day I came home from school, Shamsky wasn't there. Of course, Mom tried to make me feel better. She told me he got hit by a car. But I knew what really happened. Oh, that's okay Raymond. I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault you had allergies.

Ray: He wasn't always like that?
Debra: Trust me he wasn't.
Ray: How do you know?
Debra: Because I noticed.
Ray: You noticed? What are you noticing that for? I didn't notice.
Debra: Ray, you don't notice when I get a new pair of earrings... and those are hanging off my face.
Ray: I would notice if your ears were missing.
Debra: God! Those maniacs. Ray, what were they doing over there?
Ray: Oh, my God. It was probably my mother's idea. This is sort of a hobby of hers.

Marie: Wait till you see these toys I got for that dog.
Frank: I already bought him some today.
Marie: Yeah? Did you get him the chewy phone?
Frank: Those phones are a waste of money. I got him the squeaky hydrant.
Marie: Please. There's no comparison.
Frank: You know nothing about dogs. Look at this. [chews toy] Fun. This is fun.
Marie: Oh, please. Come on. Let go of that. [Frank growls]
Ray: Maybe he needs to go out.

Ray: $2,000. I could have got 4,000 hamsters.

Kristi Yamaguchi: Come on in. Do you mind doing the interview in here?
Ray: No. It's just a little weird. I've never been in a women's locker room before. Well, once in seventh grade. The guys pushed me in but that was only for a second. All right. I'll just sit here.
Kristi Yamaguchi: Okay.
Ray: Well, it's been a big deal for female reporters going into male locker rooms. I know how they feel now. Okay. So let's just start. Kristi, Olympic gold medal world championship, the cover of People magazine.... What's next for you? Oh, you have an outie. I would've taken you for an innie.

Ray: For the kids, it would be great. A pet.
Debra: Ally already has a hamster. Don't use that.
Ray: A hamster. Come on, you can't play catch with a hamster. You can but the hamster doesn't look forward to it.
Ally: What's that?
Ray: Look sweetie. It's a doggie. Isn't he great?
Ally: He smells.
Ray: She says that about the twins and we keep them.

Debra: Ray, you can't be serious. Come on why would you want a dog now?
Ray: Not a dog. This dog. When I was five I had a bulldog just like this guy. My brother got it for his first Communion.
Debra: A bulldog?
Ray: Yeah. It was a personality thing. Robert loved that dog. He named him Shamsky after his favorite ballplayer.
Debra: Art Shamsky.
Ray: Right. Shamsky was great. Once we dressed him in Mom's nightgown with a wig and lipstick. Oh, my mom came home and Dad was dancing with him. [chuckles] Crazy. Shamsky. Then we had to give him away.
Debra: Yeah? Why is that?
Ray: I had allergies. I don't have allergies anymore.