Debra: You know what, Marie? You and I are gonna write our own Christmas letter together.
Ray: Oh, no.
Marie: What do you mean?
Debra: Oh, we can write a better letter than Saint Theresa. We'll make us both look good. Maybe you can even come up with a little dirt on her.
Marie: She does have eczema.
Debra: Great!

Marie: What about the gardens?
Debra: You know more than most of the guides. "Marie is the best guide at the botanical gardens." We'll put that right in there.
Marie: We would?
Debra: Let's start right now.
Marie: Oh, good. The sooner we write it, the sooner we can wipe that smug grin off her dry, itchy face. [both cackle]
Ray: Hey, uh, excuse me. Let's not forget it's Christmas, you know, a time for not being so... [cackles] And to all a good night.

Ray: Hey, Robert. What's going on?
Marie: "Robert's meteoric rise through the NYPD has really turned some heads, both here at home and at the precinct." What is this?
Robert: I heard you were writing a family Christmas letter, so I did my bio. I would like it inserted verbatim.
Ray: You wrote your own thing?
Robert: Indeed I did.

Ray: What are you getting so worked up for? It's a Christmas letter. It's no big deal.
Robert: Oh, yeah? Not for you. You've got the whole Raymond fan club doing your writing. Let's take a gander
at this year's model, shall we? [clears throat] "What can you say about Raymond? Whether he's playing with the children or playing golf, the guy loves life." Oh, happy days! "He is still writing his column for New York Newsday."
Ray: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "still writing my column"? Like I should be doing something better by now?
Debra: No, that's not what we meant.
Marie: It's not "still writing," it's "still writing!"
Ray: But that's not how it's gonna read! People are gonna get the wrong impression here.

Ray: I already tried for the stupid editor thing! Twice! I didn't get it, twice. There, you happy?
Robert: Little better. Sorry.
Debra: Why didn't you say something before?
Ray: It's not exactly something you come home bragging about.
Robert: Seriously, man, you can't keep all that stuff bottled up. You have to share it with us... when you fail.

Marie: Look at this. We can't send it out like this. What will people think? It's just me and you now. [rips the letter] Here's your part, dear. I've got to get this to the post office. Thanks for your help, dear. [exits]

Ray: Read another one, Dad.
Frank: Okay. This one is from Linda and Dennis McCarthy.
Robert: Oh, boy!
Debra: They're the worst!
Frank: "Dear family and friends..."
Ray: We're neither. Keep going.
Frank: "Is it Christmas already? With our trip to Colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by." City council of what city? Jackassville?

Debra: Is there a picture with that? Let me see the picture.
Frank: There you go.
Ray: They always send pictures.
Debra: Yeah, they always send them. There you go. There it is.
Marie: Oh, looks like that living room isn't the only thing she's remodeled.
Ray: Yeah, looks like she's in a wind tunnel.
Frank: "Of course, the big news around here is the new addition to our family. His name is Tic-Tac, and he's 22 lbs. Of fuzzy fun."
Robert: That is one ugly kid.
Ray: That's the dog. The kid's outside peeing on the fire hydrant!
Marie: Oh, I love Christmas!