Andy: So none of these are real massages?
Kevin: Andy, why would a real masseuse have a black bar across her eyes?
Ray: You know why? The black matches her whip.
Andy: So all of this is sex?
Kevin: Yes, it's sex!
Andy: And these prices are very reasonable.

Andy: [mocking] Roy's calling. I'm on TV with Roy. Roy Firestone.
Ray: You're not a little jealous, are you?
Andy: No, I'm not jealous. So Kevin does the play-by-play for the Mets and I'm just his humpbacked staff guy. You know what? Without me, he wouldn't know what to say. He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.

Kevin: It's 30 minutes. It's the easiest money ever made.
Andy: Easier than the $40 he got when you couldn't do seven push-ups?
Kevin: It was ten, Andy. I couldn't do ten push-ups.
Andy: It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.

Ray: You know what my mother did? She sent fliers out all over the neighborhood. My father told everybody at the Elks. Give me some tips, man. Tell me something.
Kevin: Just make love to the camera, Ray.

Ray: I don't do TV much. Ever. First time. I got some butterflies going
James Worthy: Well, you know, I don't get the butterflies. I just throw up before every live show.

Ray: Hi.
Marie: Oh, hi, dear, you hungry?
Ray: No.
Marie: Sit down, I'll make you a sandwich.
Ray: Oh, Ally gave you one of her paintings?
Marie: Yeah. Look how big we are compared to the rest of the family.
Ray: Yeah, that's great.

Ray: Listen. You guys ever notice that I say certain words funny? What do you mean?
Frank: Like "glockenspiel" or "tushy"?
Ray: No, not funny words, Dad. Do I mispronounce words? I'm just asking.
Marie: Oh, I think you speak beautifully, dear. Why? What's wrong?
Ray: Debra thought I had trouble on the show last night with certain words.
Marie: Oh, that's ridiculous. It sounds like she's being a little nitpicky.

Ray: Look at you. Oh, my God! You've been lying to me my whole life, haven't you? "Raymond, you're such a great writer, you could've been writing poetry." How about in high school, Ma? "Don't worry, the girls don't know what they're missing." They knew! They knew, and they didn't miss it. How about this, Ma? Were you lying when you said: "The day you were born was the happiest day of our lives."
Marie: No. That's true. It was.

Ray: Well, that's it, okay? No more lies, all right? Don't help me anymore.
Frank: That was good. High and low. Use that on the show tonight.
Ray: Oh, my God, I can't believe I got to do a show now.
Marie: You'll be wonderful, dear.
Ray: Ma, please, no more lies.

Ray: All right. Come on, I want you to be honest, but it couldn't have been all bad. Dad, I made my voice go high and low like you said.
Frank: That didn't work.
Ray: What about my little Steinbrenner joke?
Marie: It wasn't funny. It's not nice to hurt other people's feelings.
Ray: Well, what about this?
Robert: This... This is funny.