Debra: I never thought you were going to be on television. You know what we could do? Let's put them all in a sentence. Say: "l asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Ray: Cinnamom. Cinnamom! Cinnamom! Oh, my God, I'm a monkey. Did I say cinnamom on the show?
Debra: No, it's just a good thing to know for when we're at the lHOP. Come on, "l asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon."
Ray: I asked you.
Debra: Good.
Ray: to put the asterisk with the cinnamom. Cinna... All right, you know what? No more lHOP.

Debra: Ray, it's just those couple of words, that's all. You were really... You were great.
Ray: You told me. I believed you.
Debra: No, really, honey, you were terrific.
Ray: Oh, don't. Sorry I axed.

Ray: I did that?
Frank: Yeah. Now that you mention it, your voice was kind of monotonous.
Ray: I didn't mention that.
Marie: You tended to drone on and on, dear.
Frank: It was very off-putting.
Ray: Oh, my God!
Frank: You see? Like that. Most people would say, "My God!" You got to try and make your voice go up and down more. High and low. I would absolutely love a nice dill pickle. Pickle, Marie.

Ray: Okay, so let me get this straight, Dad. Everything you said after the show last night was a lie and behind my back, you've been talking about how bad I was. You think I stunk. You think I stunk!
Marie: What difference does it make what we think? They asked you back!
Frank: But keep in mind the things we told you because I got to see people during the day.
Marie: Oh, my God. The supermarket.
Ray: You lie to me. You lie to me, and you do it so well! How long has this been going on?
Frank: Three weeks.

Robert: What's going on?
Ray: You know, they've been lying to us our whole lives. Every time they ever tried to make us feel good about ourselves.
Robert: When did that happen to me?
Marie: Oh, honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times.
Ray: You got to get your own place, man.
Marie: Don't be silly. We love having you here.
Robert: Oh, my God!

Ray: They say that because the pros can hit it so far that they should lengthen the length of all the courses, and you know, I know I'm probably droning on here but, um, what about tradition? There's always tradition and history and stuff, and I know... I know... I know... I know I support the changes in baseball, but look, let me ax, ax, ask you something here. Uh... Shouldn't sports, sometimes should adopt, adapt, adapt and grow, but aren't there times that a sport shouldn't adopt, adapt, and not grow. Probably not grow.

Marie: Oh, hi, honey. It didn't go very well, did it?
Robert: Not your best moment there, Raymond.
Ray: What are you doing?
Marie: We're being honest. You said that's what you wanted.
Frank: I could've eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview.
Ray: Well, what did you think?
Debra: Honey, I begged you to say "little star."
Marie: I mean, it was even worse than last time.
Frank: You made me hate TV.
Robert: You want me to play it back for you, Raymond?

Debra: I thought there were a lot of good things.
Ray: Yeah?
Debra: Like, those other guys are so polished and professional, and you were really human. Yeah, yeah.
Ray: Yeah? But what about what I said, though? Did it make sense?
Marie: Oh, yes. Yeah. I got some of it.
Ray: So I mean, it wasn't a total disaster.
Debra: Oh, no, not at all.
Robert: Well, how many total disasters are there?

[Ray and Debra are in bed post coitus:]
Ray: I don't think that was a total disaster.
Debra: Well, how many total disasters are there?

Ally: Do you like my picture, Daddy?
Ray: Oh, yes, I do. I do, sweetie.
Debra: Honey, how come you made Grandma and Grandpa look so scary?
Ally: That's not Grandma and Grandpa. Those are Halloween monsters.
Ray: Oh.
Debra: Okay.
Ally: Grandma and Grandpa aren't monsters. [chuckles]
Ray: Ah, youth.