Stan: Then why would Ray put it in your eulogy?
Frank: My what?
Robert: I can explain, Dad.
Ray: Don't, Robert.
Robert: Apparently Raymond, as sort of a fun hobby, fantasizes about what he'll say upon your demise.
Frank: What?!
Robert: Oh, yes. He wrote a eulogy for you, and he's ready to go at a moment's notice... if you are.
Frank: You're planning my death?
Ray: No, no!
Robert: Just your funeral.

Frank: Now I've lost everything.
Ray: Lost what? What did you lose?
Frank: Oh, not much just my reputation as a man.
Ray: Come on, look, those guys, they're only teasing you.
Frank: Listen to me. I'm the tough one. That's how the community sees me.
Ray: What community? You're in a steam room in a lodge with six naked guys.
Frank: That's my community. And everyone's got their thing. Stan's got the brains, Garvin's got the looks, and I'm the tough one.
Ray: Yeah, all right. First of all, Dad, with the looks, I'm gonna declare it a three-way tie.
Frank: I can't talk to you.

Ray: Come on, you can't talk to me? Why do you think I wrote the eulogy with the stupid bunny story?
Frank: That's what I'd like to know. You know, I know some things about you you wouldn't want me telling everybody.
Ray: That's different, Dad.
Frank: No, no, no, it's a good story. I go up to the attic one day-
Ray: All right, Dad.
Frank: ...and I turned on the light, and imagine my surprise...
Ray: That's different, Dad!
Frank: No, it's not!

Robert: Ma, I think I've come up with something you might like for your eulogy. [clears throat] "What can I say about my dear mother?"
Marie: Oh, Robbie. Robbie, that's so very nice. But Raymond is the writer. And besides, you're going to be very busy that day. You're a policeman. I'm gonna need you for my motorcade, to stop all the traffic. Sweet.
Robert: "What can I say about Raymond? One day I went up to the attic..."

Debra: Hey, kids, you're getting marker on the table. Ray, do something.
Ray: Don't mark the table, kids.
Debra: Here. Kids, use this newspaper as your mat.
Ray: Hey, come on. What are you- For your information, I was reading something that the President of the United States said.
Debra: Yeah? What did the president say to Marmaduke?
Ray: "Tell your wife to lighten up."

Robert: What is this? "As we honor Frank Barone's memory, we should also be honest about who he was in life because he always believed in telling it like it is."
Debra: That's on the back of your picture? Michael, where'd you get that paper?
Michael: From Daddy's office.
Robert: "Who he was in life", "honor Frank Barone's memory" This sounds like he's passed on.
Ray: Michael, why would you write this?

Ray: It's not it's not a eulogy. I jotted a few things down.
Robert: Oh, jotted. You jotted, did you? There's like eight paragraphs right here.
Ray: Hey, I'm a professional writer, remember? For me this is like doodling. In fact, I wrote more than this. Wait a minute. Hey, guys, is this all that you drew?
Geoffrey: No, we drew a lot.
Ray: Really? Good, great. Where are the other pictures?
Geoffrey: We gave them to Grandma.
Ray: No! [runs out]
Geoffrey: Daddy's weird.

Marie: Good. Are you hungry, dear?
Ray: No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm okay. [sees drawings on the fridge] Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'll get it.
Marie: No, you do enough of that at home. Sit down.
Ray: No, let me just see let me see what's in the Frigidaire.
Marie: No, I'll get it, I'll get it. What would you like to eat, Raymond? Oh, I got lasagna.
[When Marie closes the fridge door, one of the drawings has been removed.]
Ray: What else you got?
Marie: I got ham. Ooh, delicious. I put a glaze of pineapple on it.
[When Marie closes the fridge door, another drawing has been removed.]
Marie: Okay.
Ray: You got any frozen treats?
Marie: Yeah, I got some fudge pops.
[When Marie closes the freezer door, the drawing has gone.]
Ray: Ma, I'll be right back. I gotta go. I gotta put the thing in the thing.

Ray: Aw, nothin'.
Frank: Nothin'.
Ray: Nothin'.
Frank: Aw, it's rigged. Stupid New York State humps.
Ray: Oh, look at that. You think you're gonna win, then you don't. That's how they get you.

Debra: Here you go, Marie a load of trouble for the night.
Marie: Oh, they're no trouble. I made some cookies. Hurry before Uncle Robert and Grandpa eat them all.
Kids: Cookies! Yay! [run into the kitchen]
Frank: [o.s.] No, no! Get back!