Robert: So speak English?
Stefania: A little.
Robert: So you're in gelato.
Stefania: Yes, for now.
Marco: Stefania!
Robert: I think your boss wants you back.
Stefania: I better go.
Robert: Wait.
Marco: Stefania!
Robert: All right, pal, Jeez. Gotta learn how to chill out a little. What's with this guy?
Stefania: He is my father.
Robert: Oh, that's nice. He's a hard worker.

Ray: How about that Giorgio guy?
Debra: What?
Ray: I saw him drinking my Listerine, that's what. Whole place is annoying. You gotta change money. That's a scam. Nobody sees that? How could they not see that? Tell you what, say what you want about New Jersey... [bath hose starts spraying]
Debra: Ah! Ray, turn it off!
Ray: Oh, my God.
[Aunt Colletta comes over and starts trying to wrestle the hose away from Ray]
Ray: Are you crazy? I'm taking a shower! Oh, my God! Oh, God. No!
Debra: I would do what she says, Ray.
Ray: No! Would everybody leave, please?
Debra: Hey, you want me to get the video camera?
Ray: No, would you stop hitting me, all right? You can't do this to me. I'm an American. [Aunt Colletta starts bathing Ray] This wasn't in the brochure.

Frank: We're all getting in that? [to Marie] Good luck, sweetie. [Frank and Giorgio chuckle]
Robert: I don't think I'm gonna fit in there, either.
Ray: Well, you can sit on top and push with your arms.

Stefania: Where do you go?
Robert: I was, you know, gonna go to Rome. Look around, "Rome" around. [chuckles]

Marie: "There were gladiators and reenacted sea battles here until the 5th century." So should we go see the Forum now?
Debra: Oh, you know, actually, I could use a little break, Marie.
Marie: But it's right over there.
Debra: - I know, and I wanna really go see it, but-
Marie: But if we don't stick to my schedule, we won't see it. And we did stop for your other thing before.
Debra: My other thing before? You mean the bathroom?
Marie: 40 minutes.
Debra: First of all, you're timing me now? And second of all, I do not take 40 minutes.
Marie: Yes, dear, but when you go, everyone else has to go.
Debra: You know, Marie, it's just that I need a little time to myself. That's all. I mean, we have been doing everything you've wanted to do, right?
Marie: Are you saying you feel obligated because I'm paying for this trip? 'Cause that's not what I want.
Debra: No, of course not. And I am really grateful.
Marie: Really? Huh.

Ray: What, want me to say something? I'll say something. This is what you get. 'Cause I told you it was gonna get like this, but you ever listen to me, huh? No, no, no, I'm just dumb Ray who likes New Jersey. I wish I was in New Jersey right now, 'cause I saw this coming, all right? I just didn't think it would take so long or I would get sick from hot and then cold and then hot and then cold or get a Mama Leone handwash or have to sleep with my father.
Debra: Why don't you stuff it, Ray? Your parents are fine compared to you.
Ray: Me, what the hell did I do?
Debra: At least they're trying to have a good time. You've been nothing but a grumpy pain in the ass the whole trip.
Marie: Don't fight here. It's the Coliseum.
Ray: I'm a pain in the ass? I'm a pain in the ass? Fine, I will not be a pain in anyone's ass anymore!
Frank: And I'm not sleeping with you anymore! [to two guys] What are you looking at?

Gianni: Hey, what's your problem?
Ray: Nothing, nothing, I'm just ready to go home, that's all.
Gianni: Oh. You got more Listerine?

Robert: Hey, Ma, do you know if we have any mob connections here in town? Because I might need a little help.
Marie: Robert, what's the matter? You look so terrible. Tuck in your shirt.
Robert: No no, I'm fine, Ma. It's just that Stefania's father wasn't too thrilled to find me with his daughter.
Marie: What?
Ray: Now, he's having a vacation.
Robert: This is wild. I went out the window when Pops went to get a shovel.
Giorgio: Congratulations. Stefania Fogagnolo.
Robert: Thanks there, Giorgio.
Giorgio: Signore Fogagnolo, he will kill you.

Marie: You'd better stay away from that girl, Robby.
Robert: Yeah, right. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Hey, Ray, you wanna go get a gelato?
Ray: I'm not going there with that father.
Robert: Come on.
Ray: Get out of here. He'll use me to beat you to death.

Robert: Hey hey hey, you gotta wake up here, little bro. Look where you are, man. You're missing it! [sings La donna è mobile]
Marie: I've never seen him like this, so happy. I don't like it.