Robert: Hey. Hey. You know what Amy does?
Ray: What?
Robert: Okay. Sometimes when she laughs she pees a little.
Ray: What do you- You mean, she- she pees when she laughs?
Robert: Well, a chuckle won't do it, but if you really crack her up, you might wanna put some papers down!

Debra: Listen, Ray, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday, and I really am sorry. I think you have a good point. Some things are private and should just stay that way.
Ray: Thank you. Apology accepted.
Debra: Good night.
Ray: Night. Guess who pees when she laughs?
Debra: I've got to tell you, that's your worst come-on line ever.
Ray: I'll give you a clue. First letter, "A," last letter, "Y," and don't ask me the middle letter, because I "M" not going to tell you.
Debra: No!
Ray: It's Amy!
Debra: She does?!
Ray: Robert said if you get her laughing hard enough, 85% chance of flash flooding.
Debra: We have been friends for years. Why didn't I know that?
Ray: Maybe you're not funny.

Ray: Okay. You know her, uh, famous homemade sauce?
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: You wanna know the secret ingredient?
Debra: Okay.
Ray: Gasoline which she puts in her car to drive to Waldbaum's to go to aisle six to pick up a jar of Ragu!
Debra: No way!
Ray: Yeah!
Debra: Wow!
Ray: Look, I know it's a little early, but happy anniversary!

Debra: So, your mother's a cheater.
Ray: Mm-hmm, yeah, she sure is.
Debra: Wait a minute. If that's what those guys were saying about their wives, what did you say about me?
Ray: Nothing, I just I- I told them that when you sleep, sometimes you wiggle your nose like a little bunny.
Debra: I do that?
Ray: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's cuter on you, though.
Debra: Oh I can't believe you told them that. What did they say?
Debra: They- I think they said, "Aw!"
Debra: Aw!
Ray: Yeah. It was cute.

Ray: Mom?
Marie: Your father told me about your little fantasy, and I felt I'd be remiss if I didn't tell Debra that her marriage was in peril.
Ray: Dad, why would you tell Mom?!
Frank: I was proud of you! You dream like a man!

Debra: Oh, that's great, Ray. I'm going around telling everybody what a sweet little boy you are, and you're dreaming about another woman. Thanks a lot, Ray. Thanks for making me look like a total jerk!
Ray: Wait! I made it up! I made it up! "Choo-choo" really was a train.
Debra: So what are you saying? You lied to them?
Frank: And here I was, finally proud of you.

Debra: You are unbelievable, Ray.
Ray: No, you know what? You're unbelievable. You took something that was private and you blabbed it all over town!
Debra: Oh, yeah? You were a pretty good blabbermouth yourself last night. "Hey, guess who pees when she laughs."
Ray: Guess who was right there with me, laughing it up. "Oh! Amy pees! Ha ha, that's so funny!" Yeah.
Amy: Robert?
Robert: I love you. Amy! Amy! Amy, listen, I'm sorry! Sweetie, come on, look at me! We were all talking. Everyone was doing it! Debra belches like a truck driver and Ma uses Ragu!
Marie: Frank!
Debra: Ray! That's what you told them about me?! That I burp?! You just made up that cute little nose thing?
Ray: I didn't make it up. Look, there it is! Ow!

Marie: Good. And I'm glad that you could admit that. And you should all know better than to engage in idle gossip.
Ray: Oh, what are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed about Choo-Choo Chulesky.
Marie: I do not blab! What I do comes from love! And if you wanna know the truth, Debra is the worst gossip of us all!
Debra: Me?!
Marie: You're the one who once told me Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you.
Ray: What?!
Frank: This is an outrage, Marie! That was a hat I found on the street.

Marie: Oh, really? And what about what Debra told Amy last July?
Debra: What?
Marie: Debra told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Robert's marriage didn't have a chance in hell.
Debra: Marie, who told you that?
Amy: Marie, I told you that in confidence! How could you tell Marie I said that?
Ray: Debra, how could you tell Amy what I told you?!
Robert: My marriage doesn't have a chance in hell?!
Debra: [burps] Excuse me.
Ray: I didn't say your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell... the way that sounds. All right, look. There are certain things a man says to his wife when he's just trying to... I don't know, fill the silence!
Robert: Oh, now I understand. You're a hateful jerk-face. And what I mean by that is you're hateful, and you're a jerk-face.

Ray: Why did you have to tell Amy that?!
Debra: I was just talking to Amy about the stupid things men say. We all do it. Amy knew what I meant. She was okay with it. You were okay with it, right?
Amy: Actually, I was pretty upset.
Marie: That's why she came to me.
Ray: Okay, see? She was upset.
Debra: But you're the one who said it.
Ray: Yeah... [stammers] Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You've been walking around, secretly thinking I'm a hateful jerk-face, but still acting all fake nice to me?
Amy: I haven't been that nice. A few months ago, you got a haircut and everybody said, "Nice haircut, Ray," but I didn't.
Ray: How could you do that to me? I mean, that's terrible.
Amy: You hurt my feelings.