Sam: Say, I'll bet with all that skating you get pretty sore muscles. Have you ever experienced Sammy's all-American, deep muscle massage?
Franzi: Have you ever experienced knowing when to quit?
Sam: [laughs] Are you sure you're not from around here?

Carla: Ordering.
Woody: What are you ordering, Carla?
Carla: I forget.
Woody: You know where to reach me.

Cliff: She's dating somebody, all right. Get a load of this little tidbit of gossip. "One international skating star was seen spooning spaghetti with a short, dark, melon-faced companion." Eddie!
Sam: Oh, come on, Carla. "Short, dark, melon-faced"? I mean, that could be anybody in the show.
Norm: Yeah, guess that explains why it's not one of the more popular ice shows.

Eddie LeBec: Why did you attack me like that?
Carla: I'm sorry, Eddie. Look, I've been very tense lately. Can I ask you something?
Eddie LeBec: Sure.
Carla: Are you happy with me?
Eddie LeBec: Boy, am l.
Carla: No complaints?
Eddie LeBec: Not one complaint.
Carla: You're lying. Everybody has one complaint. I want one complaint or I'm not going to believe you're happy.
Eddie LeBec: Well, okay.
Carla: What?
Eddie LeBec: Remember the other night when I asked you if I could have a few buddies over for poker, and you shoved my face into the refrigerator? Well, I guess I didn't like that.

Carla: Listen, Eddie, I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise me that if you ever find someone who makes you happier than I do that you'll tell me.
Eddie LeBec: Oh, yeah, right.
Carla: What do you mean by that?
Eddie LeBec: You'd kill me.
Carla: No, I won't. Now tell me the truth. Are you having an affair?
Eddie LeBec: No!
Carla: Did you believe me when I said I wouldn't kill you?
Eddie LeBec: No!
Carla: Then if you were having an affair, you would still be saying no!
Eddie LeBec: Yes! And if I weren't having a affair, I'd still say no! Honey, look, I got to tell you something. I have a real bad headache from this conversation. I need to lie down in a dark room.

Carla: Oh, Sam, thank God it's you. I think I'm hemorrhaging.
Sam: Don't worry about it. I got some great news, for you at least. I went down to Franzi's dressing room, give her one last chance. Guess who was there. Her boyfriend.
Carla: Her boyfriend was there?
Sam: Yeah, yeah.
Carla: And Eddie's here?
Eddie LeBec: [o.s.] Hey, Carla, beer me!
Sam: You think Eddie looks like a melon. Boy, I tell you, you put a cantaloupe up next to that guy's face, I defy you to tell the difference.
Eddie LeBec: [o.s.] Hey, Carla, Carla, what are you doing out there, growing the hops?
Carla: Right away, dear.
Sam: You know, maybe I'll join them for a couple of hands of cards.
Carla: Don't bother. The game's just about to break up.
Sam: Thanks for the warning.

Eddie LeBec: Hey, honey, we're running a little low on dip.
Carla: You want some dip?
Eddie LeBec: Mm-hmm.
[Carla grabs the ends of the table cloth and scoops up everything on the table.]
Carla: Here's your dip and your chips and your drinks and your cards. You want 'em? Help yourselves.
[Carla throws the lot outside]
Norm: I don't know about you guys. I'm a little bushed.
Frasier: You know, we really must get together like this more often.
Cliff: Oh, for God's sake, Norm. Let the dog have the dip.

Carla: You never laid a hand on that Franzi, did you? Did you kiss her even? Did you pinch her? Did you do anything?
Eddie LeBec: No, I swear it!
Carla: How could you humiliate me like that?!
Eddie LeBec: Franzi? Carla, is that what you're all upset about? You think there's something going on between me and Franzi? Listen, if that woman threw herself at me, I would have nothing to do with her. In fact, today at rehearsal I saw how inhuman she could be. She humiliated one of the guys just because he made a little mistake. Chewed him out in front of everyone. Actually spit on him.
Carla: If it upset you so much, why didn't you defend the guy?
Eddie LeBec: I was the guy!
Carla: So nothing was going on and you let me walk around like Debbie Reynolds. Why didn't you stop me?!
Eddie LeBec: I thought maybe you were pregnant again and this was your way of telling me.
Carla: Well, you didn't have to like it so much.
Eddie LeBec: Like it? It gave me the creeps.
Carla: Well, you certainly seemed to like it when you were making all those stupid cracks in front of your friends.
Eddie LeBec: Well, you know the competition to be witty in front of those guys.

Eddie LeBec: Besides, honey, I mean, isn't the important thing I've been faithful to ya?
Carla: You have been, haven't you?
Eddie LeBec: Yeah.
Carla: Guess I kinda lost sight of that. I was never married to anyone who was faithful before. You're really a good guy, Eddie. I don't deserve you, but I'm going to try to from now on. I'm going to be the perfect wife.
Eddie LeBec: I don't want you to be the perfect wife. I want the girl I married: feisty, strong-willed, and, well, downright nasty. In a beautiful way.
Carla: You really mean that, Eddie?
Eddie LeBec: Oh, you bet I do.
Carla: Then get your sorry butt into the kitchen. There's a sink full of dishes. The garbage disposal is clogged, and there's a cat box with your name on it.
Eddie LeBec: What are you doing? Oh, my sweetie is back.
Carla: Beat it.