Loretta: Pardon me, common scrub person, is there a Nick Tortelli here?
Nick Tortelli: Loretta.
Loretta: Nick, is that you?
Nick Tortelli: No, it's the Archbishop of Canterbury. So you couldn't stay away from me, huh?
Loretta: The very idea is ludicrous. We've simply outgrown each other. I'm living in the fast lane now. I hobnob with people you wouldn't even feel comfortable with. Why, last night I met a head waiter.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, so you came to rub my nose in it, right?
Loretta: Hi, gang at Cheers. Just because I've given Nick the boot doesn't mean that we still can't all be close friends. And especially you, Carla. After all, we did have Nick Tortelli in common.
Carla: Yeah, you, me and 1,000 head lice.

Nick Tortelli: Loretta, what are you doing here?
Loretta: These are the final divorce papers. Read them and sign them. And please, let's not make this sticky.
Nick Tortelli: If you think I'm going to give you any argument about this, you're nuts. I'm over you, Loretta. Carla won't give me the time of day yet, but I'd rather be... uh... scrubbing the floor that she... uh... walks on, than scrubbing the floor that you walk on. Uh, that wasn't too good, but you get the picture.
Loretta: Well, I'm glad to hear that you're over me, Nick, because as far as I'm concerned, you're yesterday's newspapers. [Nick signs the papers and slides them over to Loretta] Well, goodbye, gang at Cheers. I'm sorry you had to witness this ugly scene.
Nick Tortelli: Beat it!
Diane: And that, Carla, if you'll excuse me for ending a sentence in a preposition, is a man whose shoes you wouldn't cross the room to spit upon.
Carla: What can I say, Diane? I was wrong. [walks over and spits on Nick's shoes]
Nick Tortelli: It's a start.

Nick Tortelli: May I take your coat, Miss Carla?
Carla: Knock it off, Nick, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Please, for me. [he takes Carla's coat] Shame on me. This coat rack needs to be sanded down and varnished.

Sam: So you and Nick took the kids out this afternoon, huh?
Carla: Yeah. It was Nick's idea. We took them to the petting zoo, so they could slap the animals.

Norm: Carla, for what it's worth, Cliff and I took alley-oop there to the drive-in over the weekend. All he could talk about was you. Miss Carla this. Miss Carla that.
Carla: Listen, listen, listen. I am tired of hearing all of you defending that walking hairball. You want to see why I don't fall for his act?
Sam: Yeah, if you don't mind, I would.
Carla: OK, watch. [to Sam] What's the extension in your office? Uh, 2... 21. [on the phone as Loretta] Nick? This is Loretta. I've been getting some of those old feelings again, daddy. I think we should get together and talk. I'm at the Baldwin Hotel. How soon do you think you get over?
Nick Tortelli: [runs out of Sam's office] I've got to get some cigarettes.
Carla: You don't smoke!
Nick Tortelli: I'm going to start. I heard good things. No. I'm not going to go. I'm not going to go. You know where I was going? Loretta called me and she wanted to talk to me. And I was about to go. Then you know what happened? I thought of you and I came to my senses. [all aw]
Sam: You know, that wasn't Loretta, Nick. That was Carla on the phone.
Nick Tortelli: That was you?
Carla: [as Loretta] Yes, daddy.
Nick Tortelli: That was a test? And I passed with flying colors. Now do you believe me?

Nick Tortelli: What do you want?
Loretta: I want you back.
Nick Tortelli: What?
Loretta: Well, this isn't easy to say and I don't know what song it's from, but there's a line in some song that goes, "I've got you under my skin."
Sam: I've Got You Under My Skin, Loretta.
Loretta: What? Oh no, this is going to complicate things.
Sam: No, I was just telling you the name of the song.
Loretta: Oh, pardon me.

Loretta: Nick, what I'm trying to say is, do you think there's ever a chance that we'll get back together again?
Nick Tortelli: In my heart I knew this day would come.
Loretta: The other day when I was here with the papers, something stirred inside of me. When I got back to the hotel room, all I could think about is the way you used to make me pour Amaretto in your chin dimple so I could sip it out.
Sam: [to Norm and Cliff] I've got so much to learn from this man.
Nick Tortelli: Loretta, I don't feel anything for you any more. You hear me? Nothing.
Loretta: But when I through you out, you said you'd always love me.
Nick Tortelli: I'm a complex guy.
Loretta: You can say no to my words, but can you say no to this? [reveals shoulder] I've got another one where this came from.
Nick Tortelli: You're making a fool out of yourself. Beat it.
Loretta: [sobs] This is one American who's going to have trouble grinning on stage tonight. [applause]
Diane: Bravo, Nicholas. Bravo.
Nick Tortelli: Well, I have some oiling to complete.

Diane: Carla. In God's name, what more do you want? This is one of the most startling metamorphoses one man has ever undergone. [cries of agreement]
Carla: Oh, yeah, yeah. You're all experts on Nick Tortelli, huh? [cries of agreement] You all think I should go back with him?
Steve: Not me. I don't think you're good enough for him. [murmurs of agreement]
Carla: Okay, okay. I'm going to take him back. You all watch what's going happen.