Norm: What do you we get out of here. All the goofs have gone home. Nobody to laugh at or buy us beer. I'd say our work here is done.
Cliff: Amen.
Norm: Ooh, hey. Is that Carla's positively-disgusting ex-husband Nick? All right. Things are picking up, Cliffie. Have a seat.

Nick Tortelli: You got a guy, Carla?
Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information, I am not seeing anybody, but the guy that knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you. Now get out of here.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, I know I have no reason to expect any kindness from you. I treated you like dirt. But I've come back to start over again. I would like to make it up to you and my previous children, if you give me a chance.
Carla: I don't know what to say, Nick. Part of me wants to laugh in your face. The rest of me wants to throw up.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, go with your heart.

Carla: Just how dumb do you think I am, huh? She kicks you out and you expect me to believe that you're a sweet, humble guy that wants to do right by me?
Nick Tortelli: It's true, Carla. What would it take to convince you?
Carla: Forget it.
Nick Tortelli: Wait. [lights a match and sets his drink on fire] Here, I'm going to hold my hand over this flame until you believe my sincerity.
Carla: Go ahead. I happen to be fond of the smell of roast pig.
Norm: Oh, yuck, he's going to do it.
[Nick raises his hand above the glass, albeit at arm's length from the flame]
Nick Tortelli: Say you believe me and end my torment.
Norm: Say, Nick, shouldn't you be putting it a little closer down to the flame?
Nick Tortelli: What, are there rules to this? It's plenty warm up here where it is.
Carla: Nick, you're roach droppings. I never want to see you again in my life.

Sam: Nick, I'm afraid I'm going to have to close up here.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, yeah, I know. Just one more thing, Sam, okay? Could I do a few odd jobs for you for a few bucks?
Sam: Uh... Boy, you know, I really don't need anything, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, you don't understand. I'll do anything. A man without a job isn't a man, Sam. I'll sweep, I'll clean, I'll get on my knees and scrub the place. The place will be spotless, Sam. Please...
Sam: Yeah, okay.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, Sam, uh, thank you. Thank you, Sam. Thank you. God bless you, Sam. God bless you.
Sam: Uh, the broom's right in the closet over there.
Nick Tortelli: Tonight?! That's a little short notice. I'll do it.

Nick Tortelli: Oh, hello, Miss Carla. You're looking mighty pretty today.
Carla: Yeah, but that railing looks terrible.
Nick Tortelli: Terrible? I can see my face in it.
Carla: That's what I mean. So can l. [shudders]

Sam: I told you, if he's bothering you, I'll get rid of him.
Carla: I don't care what he does. I enjoy seeing him grovel around. [laughs]
Diane: Carla, God knows I was as skeptical as you are, but the man has been working here for three weeks. He's rented a room with a sink. He's joined the Young Men's Christian support group. He's teaching himself to play the harmonica. Isn't it possible that he's changed?
Carla: He's also clipped his fingernails and he's talked about subscribing to a magazine.
Diane: Okay.
Carla: But you look beyond the glitter and flash, that's the same old Nick. He's just doing all this to impress me, so I'll take him back.
Sam: Is that such a bad idea, Carla? I'm just asking.
Carla: Well, he may be starting to pull the wool over your eyes, but he's not doing it to me. If I take him back, I'm just going to end up getting hurt.
Diane: Carla, I'm certainly not going to be the one to argue his case, but in the interest of human charity, perhaps you should keep an open mind.
Carla: In the interest of human charity, I wouldn't walk across the room to spit on his shoes.

Nick Tortelli: Listen, tonight after work, me and you, what do you say, like the old times? All right, we'll go over to the White Castle, get some burgers and then catch some wrestling? There's a couple of great grudge matches tonight, huh?
Carla: Forget it, Nick. I'd enjoy that with a classy guy, but you and I aren't happening.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, what do I have to do? Don't you believe that people change? I'm telling you, you hit rock bottom, then you've got to change or there's no living with yourself otherwise. Sam understands that. He was a stinking drunk.
Sam: I had a problem, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: And good Miss Diane understands. She's hustling hooch now. It wasn't too long ago she was strapped to a bed in the drooling academy.
Diane: It was only once that I was restrained to my bed for my own safety when psychotropic drugs affected my sense of balance. And that was only for a week and a half, I was told. And anyway, what are we talking about me for?
Nick Tortelli: Carla, why will you not relent?
Carla: Because I don't believe you have it in you to be true to me. I think if Loretta came back and wanted you, you would go to her.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, you're going to believe me one day and I'm going to hang in until you do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish oiling the coasters on Sam's office chair. Uh, fixing the big wheel's little wheels.
Sam: I appreciate it, Nick.

Frasier: Diane, are you ready? It's time for The Sorrow And The Pity.
Sam: Oh, are you two going straight home to bed, huh?
Diane: You know it's a movie.
Frasier: Oh, not just a movie. It's the final feature in the Human Brutality Film Festival.

Sam: Hey, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Hello, Sam. And the rest of yous. It's so good to see some friendly faces. My, can I use that now.
Sam: Is something- Is something wrong, Nick?
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, but let's not dwell on it. It would tear your heart out. Is Carla by any chance around?
Sam: No, she went home for the night.

Cliff: See you later, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: You fellas going home to your warm beds?
Cliff: Uh... Yup. That's where we're going.
Norm: You, uh... You got a place to sleep tonight, don't you?
Nick Tortelli: Oh, yeah, in the gutter out front.
Cliff: Oh, good. As long as you got a place.
Norm: They say people don't get involved, Cliff.