Sally: So you got plans for tonight?
Tommy: Personal life? You kidding?
Harry: I could sleep forever.
Sally: Hmm. When's our next shift?
Harry: Well, it's hard to say. We're not doctors.

Mrs. Dubcek: Knock, knock, knock. This delivery came for you C.O.D. You weren't here, so I paid the guy.
Dick: Oh, thank you. That saves me $28, plus $5 shipping and handling.

Sally: You're bleeding.
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, no, no, I'll be fine. Just get me a little gauze.
Sally: Sure, I can handle that. It's just a little flesh wound. I've inflicted far worse than that thousands of times. Of course, never on creatures who bleed.

Dick: Fine. Mr. Potato Man is all the company I need. Right? Answer me!

Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, good, honey, you're out of the woods. I'm going to run upstairs and see a friend of mine. She just went from a double D cup to a B.
Tommy: What, intentionally?
Mrs. Dubcek: I know. Can you believe that?

Harry: Oh, Sally, you just gotta pull through.
Sally: Ah.
Harry: But you're a fighter. You've always been a fighter.
Sally: Oh, my God, why are you talking like that? Am I dying?
Harry: No. That's just the way they talk on those medical dramas. Damn it!

Doctor: Okay, Miss Solomon. You might have a slight concussion from your fall. I'd like to keep you overnight for observation.
Sally: Well... am I going to be all right?
Doctor: Don't you worry about a thing. We take good care of people here.
Sally: Oh, thank you. I don't know why, but that made me feel better.
Harry: Can I have a word with you, doctor?
Doctor: What is it?
Harry: This woman is the only sister I've got, and if that means having to use your best doctors and nurses, well, I'm just going to have to live with that... damn it.

Dick: Anyway, from now on, I'm thinking only of myself. I'm going to be completely... What's the word for it?
All: Selfish.
Dick: No, smart. I'm getting her back, no matter what. I thought you said she was happy there. She thinks she is, but what does she know? I'm the High Commander. I know what's best for everything. Now, why was I here? Oh, right. Get well. That's an order. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to liberate old man Suter from his broom closet.
Nurse: I brought you some jell-o, Ms. Solomon. [Solomons all scream]

Man: She's going to be all right, isn't she?
Sally: She's going to be fine. Here, let me show you what a doctor once did for me. Everything's going to be all right. We take good care of people here.
Man: Thank you, doctor. This must be a tough job.
Sally: Oh, ugh. I've seen stuff that would make your eyes pop out of your head and splatter against the wall. In fact, I have seen that, too.

Doctor: There you are.
Harry: Ooh. [hums] La, la, la, la, la, la.
Doctor: You were right. It was a burst appendix. The saline count fooled me. I didn't know he had diabetes. He'll live now. Remember this face and beg that one day you'll be half the professional that Dr. Moshe Pipchik is.