Dick: You like?
Martha Albright: Dick! You're a genius. How'd you get my bangs to split apart like that?
Dick: A little love, a little talent, and a little volumizing spray make for miracles.
Martha Albright: Oh, thank you, Dick. You are adorable.
Dick: Back at ya, cute thing. I know someone who's getting a new caftan. Now you just sit a spell, and then we're gonna work that shiny new hip of yours.
Martha Albright: Oh, no, no!
Dick: Yes, yes, yes.

Mary: I went to the hospital to pick her up and they said her son came and got her. Now, I know it can't be my brother Roy, she has a restraining order out on him.
Dick: No, Mary, it was me.
Mary: Well... I'm here to get her.
Dick: Why? So you can take care of her in some sort of perfunctory manner?
Mary: Well, yeah.
Dick: Martha deserves more than that. She shed some new light on your past, Mary. You were quite the rebellious little tart.
Mary: Dick, you have no idea what it was like living with a mother like that.
Dick: And you don't know how lucky you are to have a mother. [Mary gasps] Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear Mother calling.
Mary: I didn't hear anything.
Dick: That's because you're listening with your ears... and not your heart.

Dick: All right. Good, you made it all the way around the kitchen.
Martha Albright: Oh, big deal. I've got closets at home bigger than this kitchen.
Dick: Yeah, it is rather cozy, isn't it?
Martha Albright: Dick, a cottage is cozy. This is more like something you'd keep a cricket in.

Dick: I think it's time for your medication. [eats chips]
Martha Albright: Put that on hold, please, if you don't mind. What I need is 10ccs of vodka.
Dick: I don't think you should mix alcohol with your pills.
Martha Albright: Oh, really? Well I don't think you should mix that haircut with that forehead.
Dick: Martha, that sounded a little sharp.
Martha Albright: Oh, I'm sorry. Did it?
Dick: Oh, never mind. Ice cream. Yeah, good. That's the stuff. [eats ice c ream]
Martha Albright: Dick, if you're going to snack like that, you ought to start wearing a lot of black.
Dick: Black?
Martha Albright: Yes, black. It's slimming.
Dick: But I don't need that.
Martha Albright: Well, on second thought, maybe you're right. It does tend to highlight your dandruff.

Martha Albright: [o.s.] Dick?
Dick: What?
Martha Albright: I want you to rub a little salve on my lumbar.
Dick: I think it's time to cut this millstone from around my neck.
Mary: [o.s.] Dick?
Dick: What?!
Mary: [enters] Dick.
Dick: Oh- Oh, I, uh... I'm sorry, Mary. For a moment there, you sounded unnervingly like your mother. Now, Mary, I'm gonna go in there and talk to your mother and you are going to listen.
Mary: No, no. You're gonna listen to me. Now, I know I've had a rough history with that woman, but there's one thing that will never change, she'll always be... my mother. She's my responsibility. Like it or not, she's coming home with me.
Dick: Martha, your ride's here.