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Dick and Tuck

‘Dick and Tuck’

Season 5, Episode 5 -  Aired November 16, 1999

Dick considers getting plastic surgery after Mary says he's not as sexy as Harrison Ford. Meanwhile, Harry is declared perfect by a plastic surgeon, Dr. Lasker (David Hasselhoff), while Sally starts to doubt her looks.

Quote from Nina

Mary: What's so funny?
Dick: Look at the cover of this ridiculous magazine.
Mary: Harrison Ford.
Nina: Ooh. Let me see that.
Dick: They're calling this ugly nerd the sexiest man on earth.
Mary: Well, he is.
Dick: Oh, wait a minute. You actually think he's sexy?
Nina: I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Mary: I would. He's got to go out and work and support me and the kids.
Dick: Oh, come on! I'm sexier than he is.
Nina: Absolutely. [laughs] Excuse me. [laughs]


Quote from Dick

Dick: [mutters] Harrison Ford.
Sally: What's with the long face?
Dick: Look, that's just the way it's shaped. I can't help it, okay?

Quote from Dick

Dick: Plastic surgery. Of course! Why should I have to walk around looking like a drab lump of clay when I can pay someone to chisel me into a perfect human sculpture?
Harry: You're not going to get your boobs done, are you?
Dick: I just might!

Quote from Dick

Dr. Lasker: Okay, I'm sorry I had to step out. I was in the middle of a tattoo removal. Apparently, this gentleman has stopped loving his mom. Okay. Now let's see what we can do with... your face.
Dick: Yeah. Can I see how I'd look with a bigger chin?
Dr. Lasker: Of course.
Dick: But with a bigger chin, I'd need a bigger nose, right?
Dr. Lasker: Well... okay.
Dick: Why stop there? Make my ears bigger.
Dr. Lasker: Your ears.
Dick: No, bigger. Even bigger. No, like an elephant. Bigger! Even bigger!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Would you look at this? I think I've found the perfect earlobe. Is that a beaut?
Tommy: Hmm. Is that a David Duchovny?
Dick: No. It it's a Regis Philbin.
Tommy: Really? Nice lobes, Reg.

Quote from Don

Don: I don't know about this plastic surgery stuff, Dick. I heard about a woman who had a face-lift once. They pulled her skin so tight that she couldn't blink. One morning, her eyes dried up and fell into her raisin bran. She gobbled them right down with the flakes.
Tommy: Whoa. So she could, like, watch herself eating her own eyeballs?
Dick: What a horrible true story.

Quote from Dick

Alissa: What's going on?
Dick: Oh, we're looking for perfect facial features so Dick can show the doctor what he wants to look like. And it just so happens that all the magazines that came out this month have beautiful people on their covers. Talk about a coincidence.

Quote from Dick

Mary: You're actually getting plastic surgery?
Dick: Yes, Mary. Yeah. I've been thinking about this long and hard... Well, not long, but hard... Not even hard.
Mary: But why?
Dick: Two words, Mary - you.

Quote from Mary

Dick: Oh, come on. Don't play dumb. You're the one who said you wished I looked like Harrison Ford.
Mary: I never said that!
Dick: Oh, please! If Harrison Ford and I were both standing in this room right now professing our undying love to you, who would you choose?
Mary: Oh, don't be silly.
Dick: Who?!
Mary: Is he divorced?

Quote from Dick

Dr. Lasker: Dick, be ready for you in a few minutes. Are you nervous?
Dick: Well, a little.
Dr. Lasker: Don't be. Plastic surgery is going to improve your life. It did mine.
Dick: You had plastic surgery?
Dr. Lasker: [scoffs] Oh, no. But it did buy me a yacht.

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