Dick: What are you doing?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Uh, taking a few things.
Dick: Those are my theories on the earth's gravitational alignment.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Yes, and some of them are quite good, and that's why I'm taking them, just to prove something to the folks at home.
Dick: You don't need those theories. You can figure them out. You can figure everything out, and I think I know why.
Dr. Liam Neesam: All right, let's hear it. Why?
Dick: You're an alien.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, Dick, well done.
Dick: I knew it!

Harry: Wow, Mary Albright and another alien. What are the odds of that happening?
Dick: Oh, shut up.
Harry: No, seriously. I mean, the odds of an earth woman having a physical relationship with an extraterrestrial... well, that's got to be about a billion to one, but to have it with two? Wow!
Dick: Shut up.
Sally: You don't suppose all those other guys she's been with were aliens?
Dick: What other guys?

Sally: Well, whatever you do, come back early. I need the car tonight. I got a date, all right?
Tommy: Ooh, Sally. About that, he called. He's not coming.
Sally: What? Why?!
Tommy: He said he's afraid of you.
Sally: Was it the death grip? Dick, how are you supposed to teach a guy the death grip if you don't put him in the death grip?
Harry: [mocking] Ooh! I'm afraid of the death grip!
[Sally grabs Harry in a death grip]

Tommy: Oh, I got it. All right. How about that guy from the newsstand?
Harry: Oh, Frank Deegan. Well, how about him, Sally? He seems presentable.
Sally: No.
Tommy: Come on, Sally. He lives on a houseboat.
Sally: It's on his mother's lawn!

Harry: So he was good?
Sally: Oh, he was good. He was panty-throwing good.
Tommy: Then why are you worried? At least it's not another woman, right?

Dick: So, you see, I, an alien, saved the earth by being a better human than any human could ever be.
Tommy: Yeah, Dick. We get the irony. It's really pretty obvious.