Mike: Lauren, what happened? You all right?
Lauren: [cries] I'm hurt.
Mike: Where?
Lauren: My heart.
Mike: What?!
Lauren: Trevor broke up with me!
Mike: [scoffs] Where did you get this?! I thought I took all of these.
Haley: Oh, my God. She so gave you a fake phone.
Mike: All right, come on, Lauren. You're out of the game.
Girl: Way to go, Lauren!
Mike: Oh, no, no. Don't- Don't clap for that. She's not hurt. She's not hurt!

Mike: What is that noise? And how come I have 45 texts? [click] Jason says I looked hot today. Haiden wants me to know that her parents just left. "It's on." I'm pretty sure this is not my phone.
Frankie: Mm. Well, that explains why you're not holding a bucket of chicken.
Mike: I'm telling you, Frankie, I've coached a lot of teams. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. These girls can play. That's not the question. But, for some reason, when you get them all together, they're a bunch of nutjobs. I'm starting to think Bill's whole audit-panel thing was a scam.

Frankie: [v.o.] So, while I tried to get the stink off Brick, Mike knew the only way to get the stink off the team was to come up with a new game plan.
Mike: Okay, Melanie and Amber, you're gonna make the first move. When I blow the whistle, you're gonna cross right to Lauren and tell her that secret you've been keeping from her. I don't want to know what it is. Just tell her. See this little X down here? All by itself? That's you, Jordan. No more pouting about your hair. It was just a big change, and we all had to get used to it. Now, Haley and April, I want you to form a wall in front of Jordan. A wall of niceness. And I want you to tell her how great her hair looks and then text her or tweet her or tag her or whatever... it is you do to tell everyone that you like it. And then, after that, we're all gonna play soccer.

Hutch: Dude, you've gotten more attention from this painting than you have your entire year here.
Axl: Yeah, but what good does it do me? I don't know if I can act on any of it.
Hutch: Call her and ask her!
Axl: Hey, it's not all me. I mean, she hasn't called me, either -- or texted me. There's no way she could think we're together. [sighs] I don't have a girlfriend.
Hutch: You don't have a girlfriend!
Axl: Then again, she did paint this for me. And it must have taken her a while. I mean, she had to wait for the paint to dry and everything. There's no way you'd do all that for someone you're just gonna break up with. I have a girlfriend!
Hutch: You have a girlfriend!
Axl: Yeah. I don't need to date a bunch of random hotties who just want me 'cause I'm sensitive and have feelings and stuff. [chuckles] I got Cassidy. She's awesome.
Paige: Hey, Axl. We're gonna go play mud football in the quad. Want to come?
Axl: I got to call Cassidy.

Jordan's Dad: Excuse me, Coach? Hi. I'm Jordan's dad. First of all, you're doing a great job. One quick thing, though I just want to talk to you about Jordan's playing time. I noticed that you're not...
Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, unfortunately, it wasn't just the players who were a pain in the butt.
Syndey's Mom: I noticed in the snack schedule that Thursday's supposed to be doughnuts. Now, I don't mean to complain, but the snacks really need to be healthier.
Lauren's Mom:It's just that Lauren's kind of going through a rough time.
Haley's Dad: Look, I'm not saying Jordan's not good, but, between you and me, you really think she's center-forward material?
Jordan's Dad: I'm just saying, if you want to make the playoffs, Jordan's your girl.
Lauren's Mom: She broke up with her boyfriend!
Syndey's Mom: I made you this printout.
Lauren's Mom: My daughter...
Sydney's Mom: My Sydney...
Jordan's Dad: My kid...
Haley's Dad: But, hey, it's your team.
Mike: [sighs]

Gene: Really looking good. Moving the ball on the attack.
Mike: Yeah, thanks. When they're playing, they're great.
Gene: I've been traveling, so it's the first practice I've made it to.
Mike: Oh, yeah? You gonna be in town a while? 'Cause I've been looking for an assistant coach.
Gene: Oh, I-I don't know.
Mike: Oh, come on. It's fun. The girls are great. You get a ton of fresh air. Maybe afterwards, we can get some beers. [chuckles]
Gene: Well, my wife has been on me about spending more time with Gracie, and I... Okay. What the hell? I'm in.
Mike: Great. Oh, just one more thing. I just got nailed with this big project at work, so I'm not gonna be around for the next few weeks. But I will definitely be back for the playoffs. I feel better knowing I'm leaving the team in such good hands.
Gene: Uh...

Hutch: [scoffs] Come on, man. Still? It's been two days. You got to get up and go outside. Your vitamin D levels must be plummeting.
Axl: I don't know. I'm just not in the mood yet.
Girl: Hi. We just thought we'd see how you're doing.
Axl: Let's see. Um... [clears throat] Well, I talked to my girlfriend. Or should I say "ex-girlfriend"? Turns out it was a breakup painting. She dumped me.
Girls: Aww!
Hutch: Excuse me! Can I ask your opinion on something? My girlfriend painted this for me...

Bill: Oh, I can't believe Lauren missed that save! It was right to her.
Mike: Well, she hasn't been the same since Trevor broke up with her.
Bill: Aw, they broke up? But he just got her the earrings.
Mike: I know.
Bill: So, what's the snack today?
Mike: Fiddle Faddle.
Bill: Ohh! Gonna get some e-mails about that.
Mike: Yeah, that's just bad coaching right there.