Frankie: Well... that was the school. They called to officially tell us our son smells.
Mike: What? Still?
Frankie: Yeah. Apparently, it's bothering the other students. One even had to go to the nurse.
Mike: I thought you said you took him to the store.
Frankie: I did. We cleaned out the whole aisle. Maybe he forgot to put it on. Look, it's one thing to be weird and antisocial, but you throw stinky into the mix, you're a hobo.

Frankie: Okay, Brick, what's the deal? I bought you all that deodorant and stuff, and you didn't even- Whoa!
Mike: Whew!
Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out Brick did use the stuff. All of it.
[flashback to Brick generously applying deodorants, aftershaves and colognes]
Brick: By the way, I'm out of deodorant.

Axl: [on the phone] Hey... you. It's... me, your... Axl.
Cassidy: Oh. Hey. This is a surprise.
Axl: Oh, yeah? Why's that? I mean, the two of us, we're kind of a... [chuckles] Look, I didn't get the painting.
Cassidy: What?
Axl: Yeah, I've been staring at this thing for a week, and I still have no clue what it means. Blue-faced guy? [chuckles] Is that supposed to be me? If so, then I guess the girl's you. But what's she looking at, anyway? Those books over there or... [gasps] Hey! Kind of like you were when we met in the study room at the library. Oh, wait! This floating crown thing is that, like, when I got prom king?
Cassidy: Yeah. See, it's...
Axl: Ha! I'm totally getting this now. The fish from when we went to that lake. The leaves 'cause it was fall when we met. Not getting the acorn, though. What's that about? Unless... it's not an acorn. It's... a football with snow on it! It's the night we kissed after the game when I scored four touchdowns! Boom! I'm on a roll! Okay, so, if all that stuff happened to us, then we are... the tree people growing in opposite directions and... Oh, wait! I got this! They're broken up! They're they're broken up.
Cassidy: [sighs] Axl, look, you'll always hold a special place in my life. I just don't want a boyfriend 800 miles away. And the truth is, Axl, you don't want a girlfriend, either. That would really suck. You should have fun. You should make so many memories in college, you'll need a hundred paintings to hold them all.
Axl: [chuckles] Yeah. Okay. I get it. Um... thanks again for the painting. [clears throat] I'll see ya.
Cassidy: So long, Axl.
Axl: [sighs] Well, Kenny, I finally get art. [inhales deeply] Art hurts.

Frankie: My God. Three days, and it still smells like a cologne factory out there. I swear, I hosed Brick off, made him bathe in tomato juice, rubbed him down with odor-eaters, and still, any room he's in immediately becomes a European nightclub.

Frankie: And, by the way, shouldn't you be handling the boy hygiene? Why am I dealing with this?
Mike: You serious? Y-you want to take a crack at coaching the soccer team? You know how many e-mails I got today? 27. I haven't gotten 27 e-mails in my life. One dad actually sent me a spreadsheet of his daughter's playing time. Jordan went on for five pages about how I hurt her feelings when I asked her to pick up cones after practice. And Nikki wants to miss next week's game 'cause the season finale of Awkward is on whatever that is.
Frankie: Geez.
Mike: I'll tell you what else. I think I was right about Bill Norwood. I think he knew this was Team Crazytown, and he dumped them on me. I swear, the other day, I saw him in his van in the parking lot watching practice.
Frankie: Ugh. I'm sorry. Parents are lunatics.
Mike: They really are.
Frankie: So, is Sue getting any playing time? 'Cause I think it would be so good for her self-esteem.
Mike: [laughs] Put it in an e-mail.

Hutch: Well, there's something I don't get nearly enough, and if I want a prayer of getting it, I got to take myself to the chi-o party tonight. Now, are you rolling with me or not?
Axl: Have you not been listening at all? I don't know. And unless this fish or the guy with the blue face knows, I got to figure this out.
Hutch: Well, you better figure it out by 10:00, son, or I'm taking Kenny. Hey, Kenny, you want to be my wingman tonight? See? Kenny's into it. Looks like you got competition.

Mike: Looking good out there, huh? Got some talent.
Bill: Yeah, it's a great group, huh? Listen, you're not gonna believe this, but that was my boss on the phone. He just put me on an audit panel for the next month. He needs me nights, weekends. I feel terrible about this, but I'm hoping I can make it back by playoffs.
Mike: Wait. What?
Bill: The one thing that makes me feel better is that I am leaving the team in such great hands. [cellphone rings] Damn. I got to get this. Thanks, man. Really appreciate it.
Mike: Wh-
Girl: [sobbing] Oh, my God. I can't find my earring anywhere. I think it came out while we were playing, and I have to find it 'cause it's the earrings my boyfriend gave me for... our... six-week anniversary!
Mike: Okay. All right. Take it easy. It's not a big deal.
Girl: What?! It is so a big deal! It looks like this.
Mike: Oh. Good. A tiny earring in a giant field. How hard can that be?
Sue: Dad! She got them from her boyfriend for their six-week anniversary!

Axl: Look, I dated this girl, Cassidy, in high school, and, uh, she was the first girl I ever, you know, really loved and stuff.
Girls: Aww!
Axl: Yeah. Anyway... we kind of got back together last week over spring break, and it was awesome, but all week, I'm like, "Does this make us a thing again?". But we never talked, and, instead, she gave me this and said it explains us, but I have no clue what it means, and you got to help me, 'cause I'm losing my mind. Am I with this girl or not?
Girl #1: Well, look, that's a girl, and that's probably a guy. And, oh, you see how they're all entwined in the same tree? You're definitely together.
Girl #2: No, they're not even facing each other. I think it might be over.
Girl #3: Chloe: You know, I once broke up with my boyfriend with a sculpture.
Axl: Did he understand it?
Girl #3: Well, I threw it at him, so I'm pretty sure he got the message.

Mike: What's going on with you guys? We're not moving the ball at all. April, why aren't you passing to Sydney?
April: She knows why.
Mike: What do you mean, "She knows why"?
Sydney: Oh, my God! You guys broke up two months ago! Besides, he asked me out.
April: Well, you didn't have to say yes!
Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody just relax. None of that has anything to do with soccer. We're talking about what we're gonna do in the second half. [cellphones beep] Now, I want the forwards- Why are you all on your phones? We're- We're talking about the game here.
Nikki: Uh, so am I. I'm Instagramming the score.
Mike: Well, I'll tell you the score. It's 8-0. We're getting our butts kicked. Yes, Haley?
Haley: Can I go to the bathroom?
Mike: If you have to go to the bathroom, yeah, sure. [all the girls walk off] Hey, wh- Hey! You're not all going! We got a game to play here.

Mike: Remember, the defenders like to play up, so don't be afraid to send the ball way deep. We might be able to catch them out of position. Okay, now, last thing I said before I'm gonna collect all phones. Let's give them up. [Sue scoffs] Come on. Here we go. Nikki, let's have it.
Nikki: I just texted you.
April: I need my phone back.
Mike: No. We got a game to play. Now come on. Hands in. Huddle it up. Haley, where are you going?
Haley: I don't want to stand by Jordan.
Jordan: Well, I don't want to stand by you, either.
Mike: Okay, let's skip the huddle. Go play.
Sue: I sense a washed-up, old jock who's trying to relive his glory days through us. [laughs] [waves to her dad]