TV Quotes

Mike: Why the hell would you agree to do Thanksgiving at 8:00 in the morning?
Sue: Yeah, Mom. Why?
Frankie: Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm the Boy Mom. That's why. I am fighting for scraps here. I got no cards, no chips. I take what I can get. And what I can get is fourth place behind April's parents, her great aunt, and Grandma Tee-Tee. So if April says that Thanksgiving dinner's gonna be at 8:00 a.m., I say, "Thank you, ma'am. I'll see you then!" And that's the way it's gonna be from now on.
Sue: What does that mean?
Frankie: It means that if they get married, do you think I'm gonna have any say in what color I wear at the wedding? If she says yellow, I'm wearing yellow. And when they have a baby, her mom gets first pick at the cute grandma names, like "Meemaw" and "Glamama."
Mike: You're getting a little ahead of yourself.
Frankie: Am I? When Betty Horrigan's son was getting married, she told her daughter-in-law she didn't like the calligraphy on the wedding invitations. That was 10 years ago. Now Betty has to hide in the woods to watch her grandson play soccer.
Brick: I still think you caved too early.
Frankie: Oh, do you think that, Brick? Well, I'll tell you what I think. I think this is April's world and we're just living in it! She's the gatekeeper now.

Mike: I thought you just saw them.
Frankie: Exactly. "Them." He's never alone. It's always him and "Ap-ril."
Mike: You got to stop saying her name like "Ap-ril."
Frankie: Look, I have been trying with April. I really have. Like, just today, when we were waiting for Axl to buy sneakers, I thought it'd be nice to take her for ice cream. So I order mine. And then when the guy asks her, "What do you want?", she says... get this... "Oh, I don't like ice cream." Who doesn't like ice cream? It's in the song... "We all scream for ice cream." It's not, "Some people scream and other people just watch you like you're a big pig 'cause you got three scoops."
Mike: You got three scoops?
Frankie: [scoffs] I didn't have breakfast today.
Mike: Yeah, you did.
Frankie: Well, I didn't have a big one.
Mike: Yeah, you did! You finished Brick's.
Frankie: Okay, I'm on a new vitamin that makes me hungry! Look, the point is, I love our son. I mean, he's so handsome, and he has twinkly eyes and street smarts, and if you take away his horrible disrespect for us and the fact that he likes to lay around in his underwear, he is quite a catch. I'm sorry. I think that he could do better than April. See, I said it normal that time.
Mike: I can't see your face.
Frankie: Can you see my finger?

Sue: Hey, Dad... Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? There's a Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hmm, that's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Sue: Mnh-mnh.
Mike: I don't know. It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue. You're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why did you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American!
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: [sighs] Say, "I'm a native American."
Sue: I'm a native American. Oh! I hear it now. Well, what was I supposed to check? There was no other option that seemed right. It's not like we're "ca-kah-zee-an."
Mike: Actually, Sue, we are.
Sue: What?! Oh, my God, this is horrible! They're gonna think that I tried to pull one over on them, that I lied on my forms, and it says it's a felony to lie on those forms. Oh, my God! I committed a felony! [music box plays] [vomits]

Mike: Hang on a sec. Where's all this money coming from?
Sue: Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money, and I popped all the quarters out of my 50 states collector's book, and I've been donating plasma. I'm not exactly sure what plasma is, and I don't know if you need it, but, from the way I've been feeling, I'm guessing you do.