Shawn Quote #57
Judge: Shawn, what you got?
Shawn: Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.
Michael: There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good, and it's working. Come on, admit it.
Shawn: I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, admit that.
Michael: I know, buddy. I know.
Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals
Shawn: Face it, Michael. You lost. Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing. Bam. You're glue.
Michael: Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
Shawn: Exactly. What?
Michael: Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her stepdaughter Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
Shawn: They were not part of the experiment. If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.
Quote from Michael's Gambit
Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.
Quote from Mindy St. Claire
Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
Quote from Tahani
Michael: I admire your breadth of knowledge. I can only do one thing: be an architect. I've spent the last 500 Bearimies trying to learn how to play the guitar, and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."
Tahani: Don't sell yourself short, Michael. I dare say you're the greatest architect in existence, and I should know.
All: Frank Gehry is my godfather.
Tahani: Fair enough. I deserved that.
Quote from Chidi
Eleanor: I was never good at being sad, partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.
Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.
Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.
Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor.
Eleanor: Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.