Michael Quote #321
Quote from Michael in The Funeral to End All Funerals
Michael: Your honor, the people I want to look at are not random. They're four humans the cockroaches helped on Earth. No magic. Just... Just kindness. And I bet their emotional support made those four people better. And if I'm wrong, I'll be the first to say... "We're glue."
Judge: I don't think any of you is using that right, but, fine, let's see it.
Michael: Look. Right there. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl... actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. [chuckles] Yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?
Shawn: Need I remind you that Brent got worse with every second of every moment of every day.
Judge: Until right at the end. With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
Michael: This is it, your honor. This is the whole story. No one is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being, and the points total tells you that. But what that number can't tell you... is who he could've become tomorrow.
The Good Place Quotes
‘The Funeral to End All Funerals’ Quotes
Quote from Michael
Michael: Let's focus on the big picture here. Free of Earth's complications and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot. Chidi got 38% more confident. Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.
Judge: But he did yell the C-word at himself as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.
Shawn: Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse. If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.
Judge: He's right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget. There's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people. That's the number of friends in Friends. Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful", and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot", and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
Quote from Judge
Judge: All right, everyone. Let's get this done. This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, and the results will have ramifications for eternity. Before we begin, I'm going to need you all to sign this.
Michael: A petition to bring back Ally McBeal.
Judge: Well, yeah. I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?
Shawn: Zenday-ah. Or... I don't...
Judge: I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone? Fine.