Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
Tahani: What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
Tahani: No, it isn't. You could tell me your real name, for starters.
Jason: My name is Jason Mendoza. I'm from Florida. And I'm a professional amateur DJ.
Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?
Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person. How did you get here?
Jason: I don't know, but, please, dawg, you can't tell Michael about me.
Tahani: You have some nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house. Disgusting.
Jason: Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Eleanor: No, no, no, you're wrong. There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him.
Real Eleanor: Like what?
Eleanor: His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi.
Real Eleanor: Let's take a little break. I know this is awkward, but as your advocate, and, I hope, friend, I think you should tell Chidi how you feel.
Bambadjan: Would a hug make you feel better?
Eleanor: No, I don't think that it would...
Bambadjan: Oh, too late, you're getting one. [hugs Eleanor]
Eleanor: Thanks, Bambadjan, that does make me feel better.

Jason: [over speaker] Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to married. [electronic wedding march music playing] Yo, check it. [rips off tuxedo sleeves]
Eleanor: [laughs] This is great. At different moments during our time here, we both thought that Tragic Mike over here was our one true love, and now he is marrying whatever Janet is.
Tahani: I suppose you're right. It is a bit strange.
Jason: I'd like to read a poem. "Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream. Send nude pics of your heart to me." [Eleanor gags] "Jacksonville Jaguars rule!"