Adult Adam: [v.o.] After facing my mom's constant attention, even the shunning bench was better than being at home.
Principal Ball: Okay, people, don't be shy. It's a hallowed Quaker tradition to rip Mr. Goldberg a new one.
Janice Bartlett: You're a fart! [chuckles] Nailed it. Thank you, noble ancestors.
Mr. Woodburn: You're too dumb to get a smart person to write your paper, and I predict early baldness for you. Gah!
Principal Ball: Thank you, Mr. Woodburn. You honor our heritage. Would anyone else like to throw a verbal haymaker?
Beverly: I'd like a turn.
Adam: You can't be here. She can't be here.
Principal Ball: I read nothing in the original parchment about this. Have at it.
Beverly: Adam F. Goldberg, you are a jerk for pretending to want to spend time with me just so I'd write a paper for you.
Mr. Woodburn: Weak! Get him where it hurts! His hair, his body, his stupid glasses! If he's not crying, you're doing it wrong.