Kelso: Yeah, you're all doomed. That's funny.
Eric: No, we're not all doomed. One man here still has a chance. One man can take a stand for all of us. And that man's name is... Well, we can't pronounce his real name, so we call him Fez!
Fez: I don't want to take a stand, I just want Nina to be my girlfriend and give me nooky.
Eric: Fez, come on. Give it a try. It'll be like Battle of the Network Stars. Think about it.
[fantasy:]
Kelso: Welcome back to the Battle of the Gender Stars, where it's the gals with 50 points. [girls cheer] And the guys with zero. But the guys still have a chance, 'cause our final event is conveniently worth 51 points.
Jamie Farr: You guys are pathetic.
Hyde: Wow, that's some tough talk, Jamie Farr.
Jamie Farr: I'm switching to the gals' team. I can do that, because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
Kelso: Okay, now let's meet our contestants. Representing the gals: the lovely Nina. And representing the guys: the lovely Fez. Fighters, go! [all clamoring]
Red: Make that tart eat some mud.
Nina: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're going antiquing all weekend.
Fez: Oh, like hell we are. [knocks Nina into the mud]
[reality:]
Fez: I hate antiquing. Let's do this thing.