Garrett Quote #34
Quote from Garrett in Secret Shopper
Mateo: Garrett, what up? Have you seen Jonah? I got some meatballs from that place he always calls "an unassuming gem."
Garrett: Why are you getting meatballs for Jonah?
Mateo: Because... [quietly] Jonah is a secret employee.
Garrett: [quietly] What? No. Bad news, though. Jonah hates meatballs.
Mateo: What?
Garrett: [takes bag] Doesn't like 'em. You know what he does like? He likes cakes from that bakery down on Birch.
Mateo: The one you're always talking about?
Garrett: Mm-hmm, yeah. That same one. Jonah likes it too. Jonah likes it too.
Mateo: Okay.
Garrett: He loves the cakes with coconut on them.
Mateo: Okay, coconut cake, bakery on Birch.
Garrett: None of that white chocolate stuff.
Mateo: Got it, I'm on it.
Garrett: That's what I'm talking about. [eats meatballs] [to male customer] You're a secret shopper, aren't you? [man looks away] That's cool. I won't tell.
Superstore Quotes
‘Secret Shopper’ Quotes
Quote from Dina
Dina: Condolence cards, huh? Bummer. Who died?
Man: Uh, a friend of mine.
Dina: Hmm. You don't look very upset. Probably not that good a friend. Can I see a death certificate?
Man: I-I don't think I need a death certificate just to buy a card.
Dina: Well, well, well. Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies. What was your friend's name?
Man: I don't understand...
Dina: How did he die? What did he love? What kind of music was he into? Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel. Was he a vegetarian or normal? The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or...
Man: Enough, all right? I see what you're doing, and you're right. By the end, I didn't really know him anymore. May- Maybe I never really knew him. The point is, I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. [walks off sobbing]
Dina: Hmm. [to a man buying a Bar Mitzvah card] Funny. You don't look Jewish.
Quote from Dina
Jonah: I wonder if they'll send one here.
Dina: A secret shopper? [scoffs] I'd know. I can always sniff out a fake. The only way a secret shopper's getting past me is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper. Like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.
Garrett: I'm gonna say this one more time. Deckard was not a replicant.
Dina: Then explain the friggin' unicorn!
Garrett: Director's Cut doesn't count!
Dina: I can't listen to the Blade Runner debate one more time.
Quote from Glenn
Glenn: Mateo. What you doing in here?
Mateo: I'm investigating. What if there is no secret shopper? You ever think that corporate is spying on us with a secret employee?
Glenn: Well, no, but now that's all I can think about.
Mateo: You notice how Jonah never talks about what he was doing before this job?
Glenn: Well, sure, but I just figured he was a criminal. You'd be surprised how many of our employees have been.