George: I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.
Jerry: He did?
George: Yeah, I turned him down.
Jerry: How come you didn't tell me?
George: He asked me to keep it a secret.
Jerry: But you can never keep a secret.
George: I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
Jerry: Well, you've come a long way.
George: I've matured.

[Kramer dials a pay phone in a rundown apartment building:]
Female Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candice Bergen please.
Female Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer. [dial tone] All right I'll, uh, I'll call her at home.

Helene: Hello, Kramer.
Kramer: Oh, uh, Helene, how are you?
Helene: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?
Kramer: Well, that's only, uh... 58 years.
Helene: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?
Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah. Yeah, that was a Shemp, right?
Helene: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby. The baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
Kramer: Uh huh, right.
Helene: But- But, of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake.
Kramer: Right.
Helene: Moe hits Curly with an axe.
Kramer: Uh huh.
Helene: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,
Kramer: Right.
Helene: But it's too late.
Kramer: Really.
Helene: The baby's dead.
Kramer: Really?
Helene: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.
Kramer: Well, I don't remember that part.
Helene: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. You were, you were very good.
Helene: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.

Helene: Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, all right?
Helene: No, no! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me.
Kramer: Helene, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.
Helene: I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!

Jerry: Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.
George: I've always been little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
Jerry: Just go.
[George braces himself as he walks through the metal detector]
George: [chuckles] I made it.

[After Jerry walks through the metal detector, it beeps]
Security Guard: Empty your pockets please.
[Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again. Once again, the machine beeps.]
Security Guard: Walk through again please.
[Jerry walks through and the machine beeps once again]
Security Guard: Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?
Jerry: Anklets?
Security Guard: A lot of men wear anklets.
Jerry: Really?

Security Guard: Do you have a knife in the bag?
George: A knife?
Security Guard: Open the bag, please.
[After George opens his bag, the security guard begins rummaging]
Security Guard: What's this?
George: Moisturizer?
Security Guard: For your wife?
George: No, I, uh... I use it.

George: Come on Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
Jerry: I must have iron-rich blood.

George: Here we go, L.A.
Jerry: The Coast.
George: La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
Jerry: Who said that?
George: I called it.
Jerry: Oh no.

Chelsea: So, can I keep this treatment?
Kramer: Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
Chelsea: 'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money.
Kramer: Great.
Chelsea: Yeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
Kramer: Um-hm.
Chelsea: What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean, it could just go on and on...