George: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
Jerry: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
George: Nah, no. I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I.. I make 'em feel worse.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
George: Yeah. And also, I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know, they got nothing to lose. What do they care?

Jerry: Why, what happened?
Elaine: Let's see. How shall I put this?
Jerry: Well, just put it.
Elaine: He took it out.
Jerry: He what?
Elaine: He took... [blows on her glasses] It out.
Jerry: He took what out?
Elaine: It.
Jerry: He took it out?
Elaine: Yes, sirree, Bob.

Jerry: Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit, he's taken a turn for the worse.
Kramer: Did you tell him the Pachyderm story?
Jerry: Yes, I told him the Pachyderm story!
Kramer: Maybe I ought to go over there.
Jerry: Towards what end?
Kramer: I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days. The doctors were amazed at his recovery.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go, "What are you doing? Get away, come on." The back of the bus is like an eclipse, isn't it? People are just like, "The sun! Where's the sun?" It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out, it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa.

George: It's just not good. It's not good.
Jerry: It's not good.
George: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring. We're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
Jerry: Well, at breakfast everybody reads.
George: No. Lunch we read. Dinner we read.
Jerry: You read during lunch?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Oh, well.
George: There's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Yeah, what's there to talk about.
George: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
Jerry: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
George: She knows there is nothing to talk about.
Jerry: At least you'll be talking.
George: Oh, shut up.

George: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.

George: I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?
George: Well, I can't break up with her now.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because he said I was going to.
Elaine: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
George: Yes, I am.
Jerry: Yeah, I could see that.
George: I don't see any way around it.
Jerry: No, me either.
George: What choice do I have?

Jerry: He couldn't.
Elaine: He did.
Jerry: Well, you were involved in some sort of amorous...
Elaine: No.
Jerry: You mean he just...?
Elaine: Yes.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Elaine: Oh, quite.
Jerry: There was no mistaking it?
Elaine: [looks straight into his eyes] Jerry.

Jerry: So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation, then all of sudden...
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It.
Elaine: It.
Jerry: Out.
Elaine: Out.
Jerry: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
Elaine: Oh, it be. You got any other friends you want to set me up with?

Kramer: Hey, how was your date with Phil Titola?
Elaine: He took it out.
[Kramer reacts instantaneously with a powerful shudder]
Kramer: Well, maybe, uh, it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's inhuman.