[stand-up:]
Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. Well, I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? Come on, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had a parakeet when I was a kid. That was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around. And my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this. You let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, bang! With his little head, he would just go... Oh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

George: I like herbal tea. [Elaine yawns] Chamomile's good. Lemon Lift. Almond Pleasure.
Elaine: Jerry likes Morning Thunder.
George: Jerry drinks Morning Thunder?
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Morning Thunder has caffeine in it, Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.
Elaine: Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.
George: You don't tell him?
Elaine: [laughing] No. And you should see him. Man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! He walks around, going, "God, I feel great!"
George: [laughing] You don't tell him?
Elaine: No.
George: That is so funny!
Elaine: I know!
George: Wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! [both mime Jerry throwing up]

Elaine: It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.
Jerry: Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off.
Elaine: The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

Gavin: [slurred British accent] Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty... forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him.
Jerry: Is he on the plane now?
Gavin: Oh yes. Yes, he's in the... He's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than [looks at woman] most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you... Do you have any pets?
Jerry: Uh, just my next door neighbor.
Gavin: You are missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways
that you never could have thought possible.
Jerry: How about picking up their, you know. You find that enriching? [Gavin leans back in his seat with a pained expression] What's the matter?
Gavin: Oh, I'm feeling a bit queasy.

Attendant #1: Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago and get you to a hospital.
Gavin: My dog. What about my dog?
Attendant #1: Uh, you have a dog?
Attendant #2: Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?
Gavin: Jerry?
Jerry: Huh? How you feeling?
Gavin: Would you take care of Farfel?
Jerry: Farfel?
Attendant #2: It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital. Could you take his dog to New York?
Jerry: The dog? The dog?
Gavin: I'm sure it's only for a day or two.
Jerry: But, you know, what if, you know?
Gavin: Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.
Jerry: The dog?

Jerry: Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with here? I've got a wild animal in the house! He's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.
Elaine: If only.

Elaine: Hey, when you walk him, do you...
Jerry: Do I what?
Elaine: Do you pick it up?
Jerry: Yes, I pick it up.
Elaine: You pick it up?!
Jerry: Well, you have to.
Elaine: Oh, boy would I love to see that.