Jerry Quote #1000
Quote from Jerry in The Chaperone
[stand-up:]
Jerry: The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. I mean, you gotta come out there in the bathing suit, in the dress shoes. They got that "sanitized for your protection" toilet seat-thing hanging off them, you know. Plus, they gotta wear all the other outfits. I don't know why. The bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody looks good in formal wear. It's dark, it covers everything, that's why we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About eighty hands go up.
Seinfeld Quotes
‘The Chaperone’ Quotes
Quote from Elaine
Mrs. Landis: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such... grace.
Elaine: Yes. Grace.
Mrs. Landis: Not many people have grace.
Elaine: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie.
Mrs. Landis: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you... don't.
Elaine: Okay, fine, I have... no grace.
Mrs. Landis: And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.
Mrs. Landis: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine: All right, all right, look. I don't have grace, I don't want grace... I don't even say grace, okay?
Mrs. Landis: Thank you for coming in.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, right.
Mrs. Landis: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.
Elaine: [stands up] I have no chance, do I?
Mrs. Landis: No. [they shake hands]
Quote from Jerry
[stand-up:]
Jerry: I've always wondered why baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Ho, he scored," "Oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires. I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country. I think we gotta throttle back. You know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won, you watched.
Quote from George
[As Jerry and George watch Miss Rhode Island's lackluster singing on TV]
Jerry: I heard those doves were really incredible.
George: That's a shame.
Jerry: It's like watching an animal get tortured.
George: Hey, hey! Yankee game. [changes channel]
Jerry: Oh, great! All right.
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
Announcer #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry: That's a shame.