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38Quotes from ‘Motel Review’

Schitt's Creek: Motel Review

308. Motel Review

Aired February 28, 2017

After Moira covers the front desk, the motel receives a negative review which threatens its online reputation. Meanwhile, Johnny attempts to help Alexis with her homework, and David meets Patrick when he tries to incorporate his new business.

Quote from Moira

Moira: All right, I'll agree, this motel could use some improvements. But your review will scare off the guests we need to afford those improvements.
Motel Guest: I was just being honest.
Moira: I see. Then I suppose I should be honest. My daughter married a man who turned out to be her uncle.
Motel Guest: I'm sorry?
Moira: The lowlife uncle she believed to have been executed years before by the Indian cartel. This is all on my ex-husband's side. I'm good people, and so's my daughter. She had nothing to do with Raven's accident. When the Bangalores finally found Dagger, and gave him what he deserved, they threatened to burn down the motel, and leave my pregnant baby penniless.
Motel Guest: This motel?
Moira: She begged them to let her keep this place, and she promised them a cut of the profits in return. They laughed, and left, but not without first shaving all her beautiful hair! When people ask me, why do you work here for nothing? I tell them, this is my flesh and blood! I do this for her! Nothing! She is my everything!
Motel Guest: Okay, wow, I had no idea. I can take down that review.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: So, why don't we start with the name of the business?
David: Oh, um, I'm oscillating between two names at the moment, so if we could just leave that one blank, that would be great.
Patrick: Sure, sure. Give you more time to oscillate. Um, business address?
David: Okay, so I'm working on that. Um, I'm currently staying in a motel, and I think it might be confusing if I gave you the address to another business.
Patrick: Y-Yeah, for sure. We'll leave that blank as well. Battin' a thousand here, David.
David: I don't know what that means.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, you couldn't use anything I just said?
Patrick: I'll tell you what. Why don't you take these home with you, and just fill them out when you have a a clearer idea of what you want to do with your business.
David: Okay, um I do have a clear idea.
Patrick: Oh! You've settled on a name, then?
David: Um... You're either very impatient, or extremely sure of yourself.
Patrick: I threw you a bit of a change-up there, huh?
David: Yeah, again, I don't know what that means, I don't play cricket.
Patrick: [laughs] Look, take this, it's my card, and I feel like you will need it.
David: Uh, you know what, I think I'm good. Um, so thank you for this.
Patrick: It's nice to meet you, David.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I checked in one whole guest. Answered his questions, and believe me, it was a laundry list.
Johnny: I see, and is there any chance you might've been a little brisk with this guest?
Moira: Not in the slightest. It was a master class in patience.
Johnny: Moira, I just got an alert that someone has posted a terrible review of this motel.
Moira: Oh no, John. Well dear, if I've learned anything from the theatre, it's whatever they say, you cannot take it personally.
Johnny: Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not about me.
Moira: "I was served by an intimidating woman at the front desk, with an unrecognizable accent, and scary-looking attire." And what might this have to do with me?
Johnny: Moira?
Moira: Oh, that fussy little fucker! After niggling me with relentless demands.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, at least I finished my book.
Johnny: Moira, what happened this morning?
Moira: John, you'd be so proud of me. I manned that front desk with the vigour of a wartime radio operator.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Moira, you're having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, "tweet us on Facebook!" Or uh, "leave us a review!" And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.
David: Is that what it says?
Johnny: Yes, David, that's what it says, you're not the only one with an online presence.
David: No, no.
Moira: Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!

Quote from Johnny

David: There's no address on this.
Johnny: Oh, wow. Aren't we stuck in the Dark Ages. Huh? Let me break it down for you, junior. If they're at the motel using the coasters, they don't need to know where the motel is.
David: Um, I was referring to a web address. Or a Twitter handle.
Johnny: Oh.
Moira: Hmm, that might be something you'd wanna put on there.
David: Or a Facebook page.
Johnny: All right, let me write this down.
David: Or a hashtag.
Johnny: A hashtag? Is that two words?
David: No, it's not.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Hey, here's an easy one. A brief description of the business.
David: Um well, it's-um, it's a general Store, but it's also a very specific store.
Patrick: Huh.
David: And it's also not just a store, it's like a place where people can come and get coffee, um, or drinks, but it's not a coffee shop, nor is it a bar.
Patrick: Okay, so we're pretty clear on what it's not.
David: Yeah, it's an environment. Um. And yes, we will be selling things, but it's more like more like a branded immersive experience.
Patrick: Right, I love the buzzwords, David, but I do need to put something down here.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So you know that I think your business is a good idea, and you know that I mean that, because I'm incapable of faking sincerity. I'm also just incapable of sincerity in general.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Dad, what did you do to my paper?!
Johnny: I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything with your paper. Your laptop was open, I did a little editing, nothing major.
Alexis: I've been accused of plagiarism.
Johnny: What?
Alexis: Yeah. Jocelyn thought I cheated because "someone" used words like duplexity, and backtowards!
Johnny: Untoward.
Alexis: Whatever!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: And you know why, honey? Because you're better "than" that.
Alexis: Thank you.
Johnny: N-No, you're better "than" that.
Alexis: Okay, I'm better then that.
Johnny: Not better then that, better than that.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now!
Johnny: All right, well if you don't want my help, "than" I guess I'll leave.
Alexis: Okay, thank you!
Johnny: Okay, I'll see you later "than."
Alexis: Bye! Ugh!

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Okay, there are just parts of this that make me think that's not true. For example, "We should begin by scrutinizing the duplicitousness of such businesses, whose practices, or lack thereof, can only be described as untoward." Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that. And untoward?
Alexis: Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this. Can I see?

Quote from David

David: [on the phone] Hi David, it's Patrick. I, um, was just calling to run my business plan, uh, by you in a little more detail. So feel free to give me a call back, and I will be happy to walk you through it. Okay, ciao. [hangs up] Ciao! I said ciao to that person. [calls] Hi Patrick, Yeah, I think I- I think I called you David. Which that's not- That's not your name. You can just delete that text, the-the voice-mail that I left you. Um, just thought it might be a good idea to give you some background information about the- the store. It's basically a general store. Um, that will support local artists under the brand of the store, which-which would also be my brand-oh. [phone dings] Sorry, I just got a text. Oh God! Yeah, the text cut us off.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know, the good thing about the messages was that I was able to get enough information to fill out your forms.
David: Oh. I wish I could remember.
Patrick: It's a good idea, your business. Re-branding local products and crafts, it's very inventive.
David: Thanks.
Patrick: And I like the name. "Rose Apothecary," you know, it's just pretentious enough.
David: Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?
Patrick: So I'll call you when I hear something. And hey, if I don't get a hold of you, I'll just uh, leave a message.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: It's just that we have um, a bunch of guests checking in, and I could really use some help. Now.
Moira: Now? Well, then, I am here for you, Stevie. Uh, let's see something in a supervisory capacity, perhaps?
Stevie: Then you can work the front desk.
Moira: Ooh, receptionist work is not my strong suit, that's more Alexis' bailiwick.
Stevie: The other option is changing the sheets, and mattress covers.
Moira: Then I shall keep watch over this front desk.

Quote from Alexis

Jocelyn: I'm assuming that you know why I wanna talk to you today?
Alexis: Is it because I was texting in class?
Jocelyn: Uh, nope. I wanna talk about your paper. There are parts of this that sound like they've been written by someone else.
Alexis: Oh, my God, thank you!
Jocelyn: No, no, no. I'm saying that I think it's plagiarized. Are you sure you wrote this yourself?
Alexis: Trust me, if I could've gotten someone else to write this, I would've. I definitely wrote this.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Patrick.
David: David.
Patrick: David Rose, you bought the General Store.
David: Leased. Leased the General Store.
Patrick: Yeah. That's a big deal.
David: Is it?
Patrick: Yeah, it's pretty big.

Quote from Moira

Motel Guest: I'd like to check in, please.
Moira: Oh, my God, where did you come from?
Motel Guest: I said hello twice.
Moira: Well, hello, hello, then.

Quote from Moira

Motel Guest: Would it be possible to get a cot, or a roll away bed put in the room?
Moira: Oh, you're expecting company?
Motel Guest: No, I use it to lay out my clothes.
Moira: The chest of drawers should suffice, no?
Motel Guest: I like to see all my clothes at once.
Moira: Might the other bed not do?
Motel Guest: Yes. Except I haven't decided which bed to sleep in, so that's tricky. Really, the cot would be best.
Moira: A cot it is, then.
Motel Guest: Thank you.

Quote from Moira

Motel Guest: Oh, and are the pillows feather, or foam?
Moira: Yes.
Motel Guest: Sorry, which one?
Moira: I don't care.
Motel Guest: I'm sorry?
Moira: I don't know! I'm not entirely versed on the contents of the motel's pillow collection.
Motel Guest: I was just asking.
Moira: And I'm very much looking forward to the moment when that stops!
Motel Guest: Well.
Moira: Enjoy your stay.

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: And now I have to do the whole thing again, when my original paper was totally fine!
Johnny: Well, it wasn't totally fine, honey. There was questionable grammar, and a few spelling mistakes, and I mean...
Alexis: Dad!
Johnny: All right, I'll back off.
Alexis: Thank you.
Johnny: Just out of curiosity, did she happen to say anything about that quote from Lee lacocca?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: It doesn't matter. Our job is to welcome people, to make them feel at home.
Moira: I did! John, do you know a better hostess?
Johnny: You're gonna have to talk to him. Apologize.
Moira: You can't be serious.
Johnny: Moira, one bad review could sink this motel. We had four good reviews, and this just brought down the whole average.
Moira: Okay, John. For you I will talk to that odious little man, and set things straight.
Johnny: Good.
Moira: But unlike him, I will not hide behind the internet!

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I'm just, uh, I'm so glad you made such good use of my business card. I'm sorry I didn't pick up, I was at a thing.
David: Well, best you didn't.
Patrick: But I got all your messages.
David: Ah, um, and just listened to the first one, and then erased the rest?
Patrick: No, no, no, no.
David: No?
Patrick: No, I listened to all of them, I kinda had to, to piece them together. Actually, I played them for a few friends of mine, I was at a birthday party, so there were a lot of people weighing in.
David: Okay, um...
Patrick: Just kidding, I didn't play them for anybody.
Ray: I thought the first few were very humorous, David, and then I lost interest.
Patrick: I may have played them here on speaker phone.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hi.
Motel Guest: The drinks out of this machine are very cold.
Moira: Oh, good.
Motel Guest: Too cold. When I hold them, they sting my hands.
Moira: We'll have to find you some mittens.

Quote from Alexis

Jocelyn: Good morning, Roses. I just wanted to pop by to congratulate Alexis on her economics paper.
Johnny: Oh, honey, that's great news.
Moira: Our little woman of academia.
David: I would love to read this economics paper.
Jocelyn: I will admit that your thesis of "Why shop in store when you can buy online" was a little off-topic, but still a really fresh take.

Quote from Jocelyn

Johnny: Well, look at you, Alexis, acing your paper.
Jocelyn: Oh, no, no, God no. I gave her a solid C plus.
David: Oh, so she did write it herself.
Jocelyn: It was a noticeable improvement over the first paper.
Alexis: Um well, I should hope so.
Johnny: Well, m-maybe not a noticeable improvement, but um, a different improvement.
Jocelyn: No, no, this one was definitely better. Because no one helped her write it. Enjoy your breakfast.

Quote from Moira

David: Have you seen Dad's coasters?
Alexis: "Follow us on tweeters!" Tweeters!
Moira: We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Well, where are you off to?
Johnny: To pick up the motel coasters.
Moira: Oh, you were serious.
Johnny: Yeah, custom coasters are a very effective marketing tool.
David: Says who?! The guy who invented custom beer cozies?
Johnny: Coasters work.
Moira: Yes, the last thing we want to do is stain these exquisite table tops.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Hi, sorry to bother you.
Moira: I'm afraid Mr. Rose has just stepped out. He's gone to get coasters.
Stevie: Yeah, wait, he said that you might be available to help.
Moira: Did he?!

Quote from Alexis

Jocelyn: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Can you just look? Can eyes, eyes! Hi. You're gonna write a new paper, and I am gonna grade that one instead. Otherwise it's a fail.
Alexis: Okay, like, I didn't even choose this font! It's horrible.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Okay, look at her. But don't really look at her, look at me. Look at her, and look at me. Oh, that's good, that's good, closer. Closer.

Quote from Ray

Ray: Uh, remind me, are you here for a photo series, or travel planning, or our newest service, closet organization?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Jocelyn failed my economics paper.
Johnny: What?! You worked so hard on that.
Alexis: Yeah, which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good.
Johnny: She what?
Alexis: Yeah, she said it was bad. No, sorry, um "poorly written, and under-researched."
Johnny: Well, that's just not true. Well, you have to go back and tell Jocelyn that information was founded on practical experience in the field.
Alexis: It should've been founded on my research.

Quote from David

David: Um, so I went to incorporate earlier today, and some guy basically told me that my business was a failure.
Stevie: What?!
David: Yeah.
Stevie: Who told you that?
David: Some guy who's working at Ray's.
Stevie: Some guy who's working at Ray's told you your business was a failure?
David: Basically, yeah.

Quote from David

Stevie: Oh well, what did he say?
David: He told me to come back to him once I had a clearer idea of what my business was.
Stevie: And then he told you it was a failure?
David: Well no, not like... Not exactly.
Stevie: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out when he called your business a failure.
David: Okay, maybe he didn't call my business a failure, but it was insinuated.
Stevie: Okay.

Quote from David

David: Okay, you know what, I'm going through it right now, and I actually think that I might've been the one that insinuated that my business was a failure.
Stevie: Wait, you blew something out of proportion?
David: No, what if he's right? I am sitting on a big, empty space, and I couldn't even tell him what I wanted to do with it.
Stevie: You're freaking out.
David: Uh!
Stevie: Because you know what you wanna do with your business, you have walked me through it one too many times. So he was probably just trying to help.
David: No, no, he was very snippy.
Stevie: Okay, um I found this under the bed in room two, so do you wanna take a break?
David: That's disgusting! Uh, and yes. Yeah.

Quote from Ray

David: [to Patrick] Okay, thanks.
Ray: Ciao!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for interfering, I was only trying to help.
Alexis: Why couldn't you have helped me cheat in private school, like everyone else's parents?!
Johnny: Because I wasn't around to help you cheat back then, and I regret it. The not being around, I mean. And I think that's part of the reason I wanted to help you cheat this time. Although I don't really consider it cheating.
Alexis: Mmm. Okay, well, it is.
Johnny: It is, but is it really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own?
Alexis: Yes, that's exactly what it is.
Johnny: Well I'm sorry. And I may have underestimated you before, but that is certainly not the case now.


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