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‘Motel Review’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Schitt's Creek: Motel Review

308. Motel Review

Aired February 28, 2017

After Moira covers the front desk, the motel receives a negative review which threatens its online reputation. Meanwhile, Johnny attempts to help Alexis with her homework, and David meets Patrick when he tries to incorporate his new business.

Quote from Moira

Moira: All right, I'll agree, this motel could use some improvements. But your review will scare off the guests we need to afford those improvements.
Motel Guest: I was just being honest.
Moira: I see. Then I suppose I should be honest. My daughter married a man who turned out to be her uncle.
Motel Guest: I'm sorry?
Moira: The lowlife uncle she believed to have been executed years before by the Indian cartel. This is all on my ex-husband's side. I'm good people, and so's my daughter. She had nothing to do with Raven's accident. When the Bangalores finally found Dagger, and gave him what he deserved, they threatened to burn down the motel, and leave my pregnant baby penniless.
Motel Guest: This motel?
Moira: She begged them to let her keep this place, and she promised them a cut of the profits in return. They laughed, and left, but not without first shaving all her beautiful hair! When people ask me, why do you work here for nothing? I tell them, this is my flesh and blood! I do this for her! Nothing! She is my everything!
Motel Guest: Okay, wow, I had no idea. I can take down that review.

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Quote from Patrick

Patrick: So, why don't we start with the name of the business?
David: Oh, um, I'm oscillating between two names at the moment, so if we could just leave that one blank, that would be great.
Patrick: Sure, sure. Give you more time to oscillate. Um, business address?
David: Okay, so I'm working on that. Um, I'm currently staying in a motel, and I think it might be confusing if I gave you the address to another business.
Patrick: Y-Yeah, for sure. We'll leave that blank as well. Battin' a thousand here, David.
David: I don't know what that means.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I checked in one whole guest. Answered his questions, and believe me, it was a laundry list.
Johnny: I see, and is there any chance you might've been a little brisk with this guest?
Moira: Not in the slightest. It was a master class in patience.
Johnny: Moira, I just got an alert that someone has posted a terrible review of this motel.
Moira: Oh no, John. Well dear, if I've learned anything from the theatre, it's whatever they say, you cannot take it personally.
Johnny: Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not about me.
Moira: "I was served by an intimidating woman at the front desk, with an unrecognizable accent, and scary-looking attire." And what might this have to do with me?
Johnny: Moira?
Moira: Oh, that fussy little fucker! After niggling me with relentless demands.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, you couldn't use anything I just said?
Patrick: I'll tell you what. Why don't you take these home with you, and just fill them out when you have a a clearer idea of what you want to do with your business.
David: Okay, um I do have a clear idea.
Patrick: Oh! You've settled on a name, then?
David: Um... You're either very impatient, or extremely sure of yourself.
Patrick: I threw you a bit of a change-up there, huh?
David: Yeah, again, I don't know what that means, I don't play cricket.
Patrick: [laughs] Look, take this, it's my card, and I feel like you will need it.
David: Uh, you know what, I think I'm good. Um, so thank you for this.
Patrick: It's nice to meet you, David.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, at least I finished my book.
Johnny: Moira, what happened this morning?
Moira: John, you'd be so proud of me. I manned that front desk with the vigour of a wartime radio operator.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Moira, you're having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, "tweet us on Facebook!" Or uh, "leave us a review!" And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.
David: Is that what it says?
Johnny: Yes, David, that's what it says, you're not the only one with an online presence.
David: No, no.
Moira: Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!

Quote from Johnny

David: There's no address on this.
Johnny: Oh, wow. Aren't we stuck in the Dark Ages. Huh? Let me break it down for you, junior. If they're at the motel using the coasters, they don't need to know where the motel is.
David: Um, I was referring to a web address. Or a Twitter handle.
Johnny: Oh.
Moira: Hmm, that might be something you'd wanna put on there.
David: Or a Facebook page.
Johnny: All right, let me write this down.
David: Or a hashtag.
Johnny: A hashtag? Is that two words?
David: No, it's not.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So you know that I think your business is a good idea, and you know that I mean that, because I'm incapable of faking sincerity. I'm also just incapable of sincerity in general.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Hey, here's an easy one. A brief description of the business.
David: Um well, it's-um, it's a general Store, but it's also a very specific store.
Patrick: Huh.
David: And it's also not just a store, it's like a place where people can come and get coffee, um, or drinks, but it's not a coffee shop, nor is it a bar.
Patrick: Okay, so we're pretty clear on what it's not.
David: Yeah, it's an environment. Um. And yes, we will be selling things, but it's more like more like a branded immersive experience.
Patrick: Right, I love the buzzwords, David, but I do need to put something down here.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Dad, what did you do to my paper?!
Johnny: I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything with your paper. Your laptop was open, I did a little editing, nothing major.
Alexis: I've been accused of plagiarism.
Johnny: What?
Alexis: Yeah. Jocelyn thought I cheated because "someone" used words like duplexity, and backtowards!
Johnny: Untoward.
Alexis: Whatever!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: And you know why, honey? Because you're better "than" that.
Alexis: Thank you.
Johnny: N-No, you're better "than" that.
Alexis: Okay, I'm better then that.
Johnny: Not better then that, better than that.
Alexis: Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now!
Johnny: All right, well if you don't want my help, "than" I guess I'll leave.
Alexis: Okay, thank you!
Johnny: Okay, I'll see you later "than."
Alexis: Bye! Ugh!

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Okay, there are just parts of this that make me think that's not true. For example, "We should begin by scrutinizing the duplicitousness of such businesses, whose practices, or lack thereof, can only be described as untoward." Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that. And untoward?
Alexis: Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this. Can I see?

Quote from David

David: [on the phone] Hi David, it's Patrick. I, um, was just calling to run my business plan, uh, by you in a little more detail. So feel free to give me a call back, and I will be happy to walk you through it. Okay, ciao. [hangs up] Ciao! I said ciao to that person. [calls] Hi Patrick, Yeah, I think I- I think I called you David. Which that's not- That's not your name. You can just delete that text, the-the voice-mail that I left you. Um, just thought it might be a good idea to give you some background information about the- the store. It's basically a general store. Um, that will support local artists under the brand of the store, which-which would also be my brand-oh. [phone dings] Sorry, I just got a text. Oh God! Yeah, the text cut us off.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know, the good thing about the messages was that I was able to get enough information to fill out your forms.
David: Oh. I wish I could remember.
Patrick: It's a good idea, your business. Re-branding local products and crafts, it's very inventive.
David: Thanks.
Patrick: And I like the name. "Rose Apothecary," you know, it's just pretentious enough.
David: Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?
Patrick: So I'll call you when I hear something. And hey, if I don't get a hold of you, I'll just uh, leave a message.

Quote from Moira

Motel Guest: Oh, and are the pillows feather, or foam?
Moira: Yes.
Motel Guest: Sorry, which one?
Moira: I don't care.
Motel Guest: I'm sorry?
Moira: I don't know! I'm not entirely versed on the contents of the motel's pillow collection.
Motel Guest: I was just asking.
Moira: And I'm very much looking forward to the moment when that stops!
Motel Guest: Well.
Moira: Enjoy your stay.

Quote from Moira

David: Have you seen Dad's coasters?
Alexis: "Follow us on tweeters!" Tweeters!
Moira: We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: It's just that we have um, a bunch of guests checking in, and I could really use some help. Now.
Moira: Now? Well, then, I am here for you, Stevie. Uh, let's see something in a supervisory capacity, perhaps?
Stevie: Then you can work the front desk.
Moira: Ooh, receptionist work is not my strong suit, that's more Alexis' bailiwick.
Stevie: The other option is changing the sheets, and mattress covers.
Moira: Then I shall keep watch over this front desk.

Quote from Alexis

Jocelyn: I'm assuming that you know why I wanna talk to you today?
Alexis: Is it because I was texting in class?
Jocelyn: Uh, nope. I wanna talk about your paper. There are parts of this that sound like they've been written by someone else.
Alexis: Oh, my God, thank you!
Jocelyn: No, no, no. I'm saying that I think it's plagiarized. Are you sure you wrote this yourself?
Alexis: Trust me, if I could've gotten someone else to write this, I would've. I definitely wrote this.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Patrick.
David: David.
Patrick: David Rose, you bought the General Store.
David: Leased. Leased the General Store.
Patrick: Yeah. That's a big deal.
David: Is it?
Patrick: Yeah, it's pretty big.

Quote from Moira

Motel Guest: I'd like to check in, please.
Moira: Oh, my God, where did you come from?
Motel Guest: I said hello twice.
Moira: Well, hello, hello, then.

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