Tom: I don't know what to do, man. I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's a green card marriage, I'm fine."
Ron Swanson: You know, Leslie just thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad, let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it. That'll make her feel better. She'll get off your jock.
Tom: You still can't tell anyone about the green card thing. Apparently you can get in trouble even after a divorce.
Ron Swanson: Damn the man. Well, hey, your secret's safe with me.
Tom: Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.