Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Jake Colbert: I've been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks!
Adrian Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake Colbert: Oh, I got plenty to complain about. Don't get me started. No, no. I've got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Adrian Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake Colbert: I haven't had a hot meal in three years.
Adrian Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake Colbert: So is mine.
Adrian Monk: Car bomb?
Jake Colbert: Pneumonia.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, car bomb or pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't know.
Jake Colbert: Yeah, I bet your wife didn't suffer.
Adrian Monk: Trudy lived for 20 minutes in pain, alone. Y- You're an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who's next? Come on. Anybody. You're looking at the most miserable man on Earth. Oh, hey, you. How 'bout you? How 'bout you? You want a piece of me? I'll take you all on at the same time. I can't lose! I- I can't lose.