Jay: You're probably right to nip that speech problem in the bud. Mitchell had a lisp we let slide. Now we got a lifetime of "What if?"
Gloria: That is so offensive. A lisp doesn't make you gay. Being gay makes you lisp.

Mitchell: Hey, I have an idea. Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Cameron: Anything you want.
Mitchell: Absolutely anything.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle. That was not gonna happen again.

Claire: Oh, thank God. I smell coffee. This morning has gotten off to a bit of a... Rocky Horror Picture Show. What did you do to your face?
Phil: Just a little color to make my eyes pop. Like yours are now.
Haley: Is this how we find out you're transitioning? Oh, please don't pick a young name. The world doesn't need a 50-year-old Jasmine.
Phil: Trust me, this'll look completely normal on camera.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: This just in. I'm gonna be on the news. They're doing a segment on the real-estate market, and I'm their local expert. Back to you, Claire.