TV Quotes

Susan: You know, Lois, usually when someone gives gifts, people say thank you.
Lois: Well, I'm sorry, this... sudden generosity, coming from you, is a little baffling.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry that the concept of opening your heart and giving is so baffling to you.
Lois: I don't know, some people might not think of it as giving. Some people might think of it as just showing off.
Susan: Oh, here we go! We're only three hours in, and we've already received our first visit from the Queen Bee of Moral Superiority.
Lois: Oh, and here's the victim, right on schedule!
Susan: I became the victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and caught my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car!
Dewey: [whispers] Where do I look?
Malcolm: [whispers] There's nowhere to look.
[Susan runs out]

Malcolm: This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
Reese: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for toy drive. You know what? We're not going to let Mom and Dad get away with this.
Malcolm: Forget it, Reese. Your bolt cutters can't handle that lock. And Dad's bolt cutters are in the garage.
Reese: It doesn't matter. You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness, but once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that is the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.
Malcolm: So the only way for us to get out of this situation is dependent on you being a genius?
Reese: Correct.

Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matter is you'll be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us. We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years, and I, for one, am sick of it. Now, you are going to be president, mister, and that's the end of it.
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and then bought my way into being president?
Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good president. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor, and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you. And you will want so much for them to like you, and they just won't. And it'll break your heart. And that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world. I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable. You actually expect me to be president. No, no, I'm sorry. You expect me to be one of the greatest presidents in the history of the United States.
Lois: You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it.

Malcolm: You know what? I'm glad! This is appropriate. Now my life looks exactly how I feel. How could you screw me over like that?
Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away.
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have. You graduate first in your class, and you start working in public service, either district attorney or running some foundation, and then you become governor of a mid-sized state, and then you become president.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Of the United States.
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true.
Francis: I thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.