Susan: You know, Lois, usually when someone gives gifts, people say thank you.
Lois: Well, I'm sorry, this... sudden generosity, coming from you, is a little baffling.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry that the concept of opening your heart and giving is so baffling to you.
Lois: I don't know, some people might not think of it as giving. Some people might think of it as just showing off.
Susan: Oh, here we go! We're only three hours in, and we've already received our first visit from the Queen Bee of Moral Superiority.
Lois: Oh, and here's the victim, right on schedule!
Susan: I became the victim on my prom night when I walked into the garage and caught my boyfriend having sex with my sister on the hood of my car!
Dewey: [whispers] Where do I look?
Malcolm: [whispers] There's nowhere to look.
[Susan runs out]

Malcolm: What do you think you're doing?!
Reese: Savoring the greatest achievement of a life that so far has had some pretty mixed results. Get in.
Malcolm: What exactly do you think you're going to accomplish in a car with no engine?
Reese: There's a kegger down at the field. They've been without us long enough. [lifts the brake]
Malcolm: Reese, you're insane!
Reese: Yeah, you could make an argument for that.
[After the car slides down the hill, Reese turns sharply on a dirt track where the party is being held.]
Reese: Hello, 24-hour party people!
Malcolm: Reese, you moron. I can't believe you think you're going to get away with...
Katie: Cool car.
Malcolm: '65 Mustang.

Lois: I cannot believe you would be so spiteful as to let yourself die after what I have done for you.
Susan: What you have done for me? I am so sick of this! You know, you actually have me looking forward to the afterlife.
Lois: Good luck. Dad's there. Susan, please, just take the kidney. I don't want to lose you.
Susan: Okay, you know what? Can you do me a big favor and just stop pretending like you care about me?
Lois: What? Susan, I love you!
Susan: Oh, please. You never loved me!
Lois: You see this scar? When I was six and you were four, Dad said we didn't get dessert because we were bad and you dumped his pudding on his head and said, "Yeah? Well, neither do you," and I laughed so hard, I fell and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table. See those four freckles on your left ankle? We used to play connect-the-dots and I drew a bunny and you named it "Footy." And this hole in my ear is from when you got Dad's tackle box and you pierced my ears for me because I was too chicken to do it. And that cap on your tooth is from when Cindy Bauer called me a bitch and you beat the crap out of her and didn't think I ever knew about it. And this is the scar I got from the kidney I gave you because I love you. Don't you tell me I don't love you.
Susan: Oh, for God sakes. All right, give me the damn kidney.
Lois: Thank you.
Susan: And don't get too excited. You know you were always the big one. We don't even know if it'll fit.