Lois: What is this?
Hal: It's a hot tub, Lois.
Lois: Are you out of your mind? We can't afford a hot tub.
Hal: That's what I said, too, but then the sales guy showed me how wrong I was. Boys, get out here!
Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did this without me. You know we always make these kinds of decisions together.
Hal: It was an in-store promotion. We got 20% off on the spot. Plus a tub club card, plus free caulking. And that's where they kill you, Lois - the caulking.

Reese: So you can shoot free throws better than me. Fine. Whatever. Big deal. That's all you've got on me. Can you stop a ceiling fan with your head? I didn't think so. And look at this. [holds up Popsicle in front of own face] My Popsicle's like twice the size of yours. What a score. I am totally...
Malcolm: Reese. [pulls Reese's Popsicle next to his]
Reese: Oh. Never mind.

Hal: Go ahead and say it. I know you're dying to.
Lois: [emotional] Why do I always have to be the fun killer?
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: Do you know what it's like to be the person in charge of saying "no" all the time? I hate it.
Hal: Honey, we depend on you for that. You're the one who keeps us from killing ourselves.
Lois: Yes, but all I ever hear is "Why can't we?" and "You never let us." Just once can't I be the person who gets to have the fun, crazy idea?
Hal: You know what? Absolutely. Go ahead. What do you have in mind?
Lois: Well, I can't come up with something just on the spot.
Doctor: [to Hal] Okay. This should stunt the algae growth. This should burn off your outer layer of skin. And these pills will gradually kill what's lodged in your urethra.