TV Quotes

Otto: The cinema has a brilliant new light, and her name is Gretchen Mannkusser.
Gretchen: Oh, Otto!
Otto: You were great.
Gretchen: Really? I don't know. I found that whole scene was kind of stupid and pointless. You know what would have helped? Some sex.
Otto: Ja, ja, ja. [whispers] But you know these Americans, they have lots of hang-ups, eh?

Malcolm: I'm not saying you don't have some skills. They're just wasted on me. I'm smarter than you.
Jessica: Smarter how?
Malcolm: My brain just works differently, okay? I can see what you're doing and what you're planning at the same time.
Jessica: So what, you have, like, two brains?
Malcolm: Of course not! Nobody has two brains. Look, do you know how multitasking works on a computer? [Jessica stares blankly] Here, I'll draw you a diagram. Let's say this circle is your conscious mind during a normal conversation. This intersecting circle represents another track. Not opposed to the first-
Jessica: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.
Malcolm: For lack of a better term, we'll call this track subtext. Now, with my brain, there can be four tracks going at one time, plus one supervisor track that keeps them all in line, unless you're talking about...

Dewey: Mom, I have a proposal for you. Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out. All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes. I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up. In return, I'll be adorable and...
Lois: Are you wearing a diaper?
Dewey: I want you to know my level of commitment. [clenches face]
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Dewey: Ever since the day I was born, you guys have been torturing me. I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park. I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire. I remember every wet willy, every booger sandwich, every stink hat-
Reese: Dewey, we're sorry!
Dewey: ...every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay. [Marshmallow barks]
Malcolm: Dewey, this isn't gonna work. Mom and Dad'll be home in a few hours, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years!
Dewey: I know. So we'd better get started.
Malcolm: What do you want?
Dewey: Everything. I want everything.