Lois: Francis, I don't drink. I mean, maybe I have a glass of champagne on my birthday.
Francis: Every birthday?
Lois: What does that have to do with anything?
Hal: I think we should get going-
Francis: Come on, Mom, you have the classic signs. Irrational behavior, not able to control your emotions. Everybody else is the problem.
Lois: Francis, I do not drink. I am not an alcoholic.
Francis: Mom, you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic.
Lois: Yeah, you do! Alcoholism. It's in the name.
Hal: I think your mother's right on this.

Malcolm: Bye, Mom. Say hi to Francis.
Lois: Oh, wait, wait, all right. You've got your food money. You've got your emergency numbers. We'll be home Sunday night around 9:00. But before I forget. [picks up vase] This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about "How will they break it, where will they hide the pieces, how will they lie to me about it when I come home." So... [drops vase on floor] There. Now I can relax.

Francis: I barely drank, and I'm an alcoholic.
Piama: It's true; I've only seen him tipsy once. He gets sick. I can't even give him cough syrup.
Lois: How the hell can you call yourself an alcoholic if you don't even drink?!
Francis: What do you mean?! My life was a wreck! I had no future, no hope. I had all the signs.
Lois: Except for the alcohol part.
Francis: Why do you keep harping on that?! Why do you have to do that?! You never let me have anything! You wouldn't let me have that bike or those throwing stars! Now you won't let me have alcoholism the one thing I'm doing right in my life!
Lois: Unbelievable. If it's not me, it's alcohol, right? The problem's always somewhere else. Francis, you need to take a look in the mirror. Come on, Hal, let's go home.
Francis: Wait a minute. You can't walk out on me! This is your problem, too!